I recently read a blog about someone suffering from depression and actually contemplating thoughts of suicide. It was a story about an abusive relationship. I can’t imagine ever wanting to not be on this planet anymore, unless I’m offered a seat on the space shuttle. I’ve never experienced severe bouts of depression or thoughts of suicide. Well maybe once. For about two minutes. It happened after I had a total hysterectomy. It was performed by robotics, my surgeons were no where near the operating field. Everything was done by robot arms that are controlled by the surgeon sitting ten feet away in a video arcade booth. Apparently this virtual procedure should have taken about three hours maximum, but mine took five hours. My surgeons ran into some minor complications and ripped a hole in my bladder and had to call a specialist in to repair it. I guess it got pretty crowded in that video booth. So there I was legs up in stirrups and upside down strapped with adhesive tape to an operating room table. I woke up with two stents up to my kidneys and a foley catheter hanging out of my wee-wee hole. I smelled of anesthesia gasses and my blood flowed with pain meds. They sent me home after two days. About a week Post-Op I think my hormones crashed because I had this uncontrollable thought of not wanting to live like this. I phoned my Physician and explained my feelings and she told me it was just my hormones talking, or lack of them. I guess I needed a Hormone whisperer. I am not a candidate for hormone replacement because of a past history of a stroke so I have to go through this “adjustment period” au natural. I guess I could try the progesterone but I might grow a mustache and Charly wouldn’t recognize me. I tried martini’s as a hormone therapy. They prove to be tastier, but I ran out of olives. I wonder if dog’s feel thoughts of suicide. I wonder what would provoke those thoughts. Maybe they’re tired of the same ole puppy diet. Maybe their chew toys have lost their squeak. Maybe chasing their tail is redundant. Maybe I better move his leash out of his reach.
I know the Established Vet told us we need to get our puppy neutered. She told us they usually have this done at the ripe old age of six months. Yikes. He has barely had time to produce anything worthwhile intrinsically and they want to nip that in the testicular bud. I have done some research into this and asked many EDO’s their opnion and they all concur that it is a necessity. So, my dog and I will both be lacking essential parts to reproduce. I wonder if they will give him hormone replacement therapy or will he have to endure the testosterone crash cold turkey. How will I be able to tell if he’s harboring a mustache. I hope I will be able to identify his mood swings. I wonder how they do these procedures on dog’s. Are his little paws put into stirrups. Will he be strapped down to the Vet table with velcro adhered to his belly? Do they have a mini monitor for his vital signs? Will he awake with a stray catheter? Oh Halleluja, now there’s a cure for the early morning walks! Is there a Vet surgeon specialist who does this operation or is it addressed much like a Jewish circumcision and the local Moyle comes in from the synagogue carrying a Swan Pate. OR, God forbid, they have Astros Robotics on hand featuring Robo-cop and first assist R2D2. rrrrouch.
Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto…….Domo?