I found a solution to our puppy problems. I am going to divorce my husband of twenty years and marry the Dog Whisperer. I could not sleep New Years Eve because apparently at midnight on New Years Eve for some odd reason, people set off fire works. Duh. My puppy went berserk and barked at every snap, crackle, and pop. So I brought him out to the family room with me for a while to watch TV. We watched the Dog Whisperer. This was not a great deterrent of the fireworks, the exchange was incessant barking of TV dogs. The good part was that in five minutes of watching Cesar Millan’s dog techniques my puppy was asleep. It was like magic. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that he was exhausted and curled up next to a warm cuddly human. I, on the other hand, was so enthralled with this tail-wagger whisperer that I stayed tuned until 4 a.m. I was so captivated I ran for a puppy pad and pencil to take notes. I watched this man from Southern California transform the most surly , rotten to the core, devil incarnates, into truly man’s best friend. I tried waking my pup to take heed in this man’s approach to a dogs life. Charly just got up and moved to the end of the couch to resume his slumber. I thought about keeping his eyes open with a speculum and force him to pay attention to Cesar, maybe use a brain washing technique like they did in A Clockwork Orange. But Charly’s eyes are Big enough as it is plus he would report me to PETA. He has a puppy hotline. Speed dial. I had an epiphany at 3 a.m. I was going to call Cesar Millan to come to Pennsylvania and whisper sweet nothings into my puppy’s deaf ears. It wasn’t until the last show of the evening (?) or morning that the grandfather clause is disclosed on air. Only Southern California residents are eligible.
Fine. I contacted FED-EX for express delivery. A no go. No boxes with air holes. Could result in another PETA call. Ergo I was forced to utilize my notes from the program. They were sketchy but I jotted down key terms. I tried them in the morning after Charly got up. I tried the “claw” grip on the tummy to contain him until he tires. I tried the “stare down” deep into his big round eyes. I blinked first. I stopped yelling my commands because Mr. Millan says that you accomplish more with silence and calmness. Charly just jumped on you quieter. I became mute and started emulating Helen Keller in my directives which ended up in charades. Charly just stared at me and for a moment I think I saw his eyes roll just like my teenage sons whenever I say anything. I tried the “leash” technique when walking my dog, and offering him treats as we stroll through the neighborhood, Wo- mano-a-mano. I tried the “turning the hiney” technique when he encounters other dogs or people that cause distaste, but he just farts.
Cesar Millan says that Calmness is the Key. Cesar would never last in my house. A house where chaos rules. The only time this house is still is between the hours of midnight to six a.m. Maybe I’ll enroll Charly in a Yoga class. I’ve seen him in Lotus position while napping.
The Dog Whisperer needs to branch out to other states. Maybe I’ll order the tapes that he peddles after the show and have Charly do a little distance learning. He can view via telecourse. That way he can use the paws button for a potty break. Or Mute the Mongrel Murmurs when its snack time. Or fast forward to the info- mercials and buy his owner something to help her sleep.