Charlywalker's Blog

{February 1, 2010}   A Barking Blog Never Bites

How in the world does one get a seven month old puppy to stop eating and chewing everything on the planet? I realize that most things Charly-dog chews are passible, but this morning I was met with a most unpleasant situation. A nasty situation involving the hole at the end of his hiney. Maybe I need to contact Wolf Blizter in the situation room. I took my dog out this morning for his usual morning urine dispensing and when we returned to the house he started to scoot on his tuschie like he was wiping himself off. I didn’t like it much, that he was using my white Ethan Allen throw rug for toilet paper. He ferried over to the kitchen carpet by the sink and replicated the same action. My husband panicked about the possibilities of fecal material being deposited on the rug. I panicked because my doggie dictionary says that’s a sign of worms. I hoisted his tail above half mast to take a gander at the entry to the brown lagoon, and I noticed what looked like a white stiff hair protruding out from his tiny anus. While I held the pup down I asked my husband to help me retrieve this irritant from the dog. I told my husband to grab the hair out of his ass, but when I turned around he was missing. My husband not the dog. He later returned wearing a Hazmet suit and holding a moist tissue.  I examined the item coming out of my puppy’s butt-hole and it wasn’t a hair at all, it was a thin plastic tag that is used to adhere price tags on to articles of clothing. As I pulled the half inch end my puppy glared at me. He had to have ingested this thing yesterday while helping me excavate my coed daughters room. I tried to retrieve this item as delicately  as I could in order not to tear anything of importance that might result in a very costly Vet visit. This wasn’t working. Charly would not lie still. So I resorted to an antic that my mother use to use when we were kids and had to have a two day old band aide removed from our “not being allowed to shave our legs yet” shin. You YANK quickly. I pulled this tag rapidly before Charly had time to look at me and I felt the end get stuck. God only knows what was on the end of that line. I gave it one more try, but this time closed my eyes and pulled. A vibrant Yelp came out of us both and when I opened my eyes to see the result, well, I should have kept them closed. I will not describe what was on the end of this, but I do know that my daughter paid full price for her sweater….

I have lectured my family on the importance of not leaving anything lying around the house that is smaller than a chest of drawers. I am tired of fishing everything out of my pup’s orafices especially when it is held between clenched ………canines. I have tried the usual one word commands to get Charly to release his death grip. There are many directives to choose from the Waggers Word Bank, like “drop”, “release”,”let go”, and  my favorite: “If you don’t relinquish that slipper in five seconds you’re trailer park history”…. We opted for the term “Leave”. We have neighbors from England who have raised two beautiful well mannered Pedigree English Shepherd’s who can fetch tea bags at three in the afternoon. They adopted the term LEAVE for their dog’s and it works. One afternoon around pre-cocktail hour I noticed the owner of these dog’s sitting and watching TV while nursing his Guinness. He quietly strolled over to the dogs with a dog biscuit broken in half and placed each piece on the for-paw of the dog.  As he left the cookie there he gave a consecutive command of” leeeeave” and walked back to the couch to resume his beer. I was astounded that the dog’s did not touch that milk bone nor did they even dare peek at it. The self control was amazing. I was so captivated by the mastering of these canines yet I also felt a twinge of pity for them not being able to taste the temptation displayed on their furry feet. I watched as the owner made them wait a minute, which felt like hours to me. I wanted to intervene and give those pets their doggie delight. I could sense the saliva trickling down their jowls in anticipation as they waited for the command to ” go ahead then”. Those dog’s kept their head erect staring at the TV not one degree did they look south at their treat teetering on their paw. I was torn between being impressed and wanting to do the same with the owner and his beer. Maybe place it on his Gucci loafers in front of him and repeating the term”:

“Leave, leave, leeeave….good boy.  Go  ahead then…bottom’s up!”

Charly likes the word leave , it sounds like leaf which he likes to ingest on his daily walks. I’m sure he has Sherwood Forrest trapped in his Intestines waiting for Maid Marion and Robin Hood in his Haz-met  tights to retrieve.  Well then, Go A head, Bottoms up!

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