Charlywalker's Blog

{February 18, 2010}   Top Blog

I need help I mean serious help. My dog turns on me and growls and tries to bite my hands. The hands that feed him and walk him all hours of the day and night. The hands that bathe him and pet him and pick every last flea from his black and white coat. My puppy tries to ingest everything he comes across on the floor. His latest hors d’oeuvre was a rubber band pony tail tie that my daughter lost form her “too short to even attempt a pony tail” hair. My daughter constantly leaves small doggie non- edible tidbits around the house for our puppy to find and devour. Albeit a bobby pin, Ipod ear phones, or a piece of costume jewelry, she leaves a trail of tempting intestinal fortitudes for my dog to eat. I know when Charly has something in his mouth that he shouldn’t have because he will sit quietly in a corner with his mouth closed. Then he will walk over to you and parade his new forbidden snack right in front of you and chide you into attempting to retrieve from his clenched muzzle. He use to give it up but now he is forthright and determined to keep the morsel at all cost. Even if it he has to jump up and bite you to defend his treasure. You see, he thinks it is his right of passage to keep the item even if the right item doesn’t pass later. There are some items I let him keep if I know it wont be swallowed and I play the waiting game until boredom sets in and he leaves the article. We had another Mexican stand off in the laundry room with my daughters panties. This time it took 10 minutes of non movement from either one of us. I was in a two point stance and Charly started in a four point stance only to end in a sit down. He sat first. He sat with his jaws of life clamped onto the crotch revealing the letters Sunday outlined in pink. I waited the full ten minutes inching my hand closer to his mouth until only the Y was left hanging from his front tooth. My daughter informs me that our Dog is suffering from little man syndrome. What? He’s compensating for his height? He’s part chi- hua- hua for crying out loud. She says he thinks he’s Top Dog and is testing us and competing to be the ruler in our Kingdom. He’s no taller than a ruler and I can take him down with with every inch of my body. My daughter states that Charly believes he has every right to his new captive possession and garner it in his little kisser and deposit it where ever he pleases. When and if it passes. She says he needs to be taught intimidation and maybe pushed around a bit by some bigger bully-dogs. Maybe the big hounds will use Charly as a squeaky toy.  Maybe my daughter needs to mind her undies…. Maybe I’ll send him off to boot camp for FBI training at Quantico. Maybe enlist him in the Marine Core and have him scrubbing toilets with his dental chew. Yeah, do a little hard time in Sing-Sing. Become someone’s bitch. A little leash lashing, woof! That might cure his syndrome and knock him down(?) to size. Any smaller and I’ll be yielding a Yorkie.  Yeah, I could send him through the ropes of  doggie debauchery Or………………………

I could have him spend the weekend with my Jewish Mother-in-Law…G r-r-r-Oye Vey!

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