Like a Blog’s Dinner

I can totally understand why dogs mate and not marry. Dogs like to run with their pack and scavenger around all night with their buddies rummaging for trouble and practicing their twilight bark in hopes it will fall upon some finer pedigrees silky ears. I can’t see a dog staying with another of its kind and claim that they are in Heavenly bliss after sniffing the same behind for twenty or thirty years. I watch my puppy outside on his daily walks and his nose is  constantly sniffing something in the air attracting his attention. An attention that spans a nano second.  I think if dogs got married their mates would have them on a short leash with a choke collar.

I have met many women with husbands that have a wandering eye or some other wandering part of their anatomy, and I have suggested they research the Pet Smarty  Store for control apparatus. Just think how much it would solve the cheating situations in our country and could put a damper on the high divorce rate. Instead of investing in high priced scheisters..er, I mean lawyers, you could shop online for a shock collar .There are various modes and models, for example;

There are bark collars which could suppress the nagging and whining.

There’s the Spray collar which could assist in training them to stop oogling the secretary or stop addressing the office help as Caro Mias.

AND not to mention the  wandering collar that features a venture control button in the hand piece to make sure they find their way back home.

There are ultrasonic collars which have a switch to submerge your captive under water……indefinitely.  (They have the Dogtra 200  Gold series which is water proof.)

There is a remote system that  could  be run from your home. Maybe directed at a Bar, or I’m running late at work excuse, and possibly help with being “stuck in traffic”.

 They have the Platinum collar with the LCD screen to provide easy viewing. So the next time they take a lengthy lunch break and can’t be reached, at least you’ll have the Name of the Hotel in plain view and on disk.

God I love technology.

Just think when he takes his office interest on an escapade to the Ramada  Inn you can adjust the Jump stimulator to a positive vibration and get a rise out of him.

Plus, there’s a negative selection as well…….Oh and the collar with the four prong  attribute….well need i go on?

 All these items are advertised to keep your dog in line. Can you imagine carrying this one step further and applying it to your mate?

I would invent a collar that instructs them to go “fetch” a menu from Chez Who-ever, and plan an unexpected dinner date along with purchasing a swanky sexy little black dress and a dozen roses.

I would attach the Extend -o– feature that ensures a fun night out…. lasting into the morning. There would be  menu options on this remote that would intervene when he starts to order a bottle of the cheap champagne. There would be shock values that would reach Hospital levels when they forget your Anniversary  or your birthday and bought a last minute gift at Target.

I would set this collar to the standards of our lovely Country and keep it at High Alert.  I would have the shock intervals set at every five minutes according to how often he chews with his mouth open, or asks you to put his wallet in your purse when you are out at a movie, or requests that you call his mother and/or send her a card while he’s busy traveling, even though he can’t take the time to send you a card.  Yeah, I would set that sucker on a “comatose” level……

Yeah, it’s a good thing dogs don’t mate for life; Charly would never find the time to buy them  dinner , he would chew his leg off first……Hmmmmmm…could I love a gimp? With a Rockefella bank account and a lot of Stoli’s, everyone looks good.

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Quick as a Blog can Lick a Dish

My doggie is a year now, and  I never thought it would happen; time flies when you’re under doggie duress. I haven’t blogged for while because I’ve been bogged down with responsibility sans any breathing room. Plus I’m low on wine. I like to sit at the Macbook and type away like a Pro while cherishing a lovely bouquet of  Food & Wine’s best seller. Life is not complete if a Bordeaux has not stained my keyboard, much like my puppy has done to the family room carpet.

 Charly’s bladder has matured now, unlike mine which decided to run on its own time clock, and his “mishaps’ are not as frequent as they were in his younger years, unlike mine,  which appear at the most in -opportune times.

 There’s something about menopause and bladder retention or incontinence that go hand in hand. For example, after working out at the gym and swallowing a bottle of water in under  ten minutes, I use to be able to hold it for hours. Like a Camel. But now for some reason the message from my bladder to my brain gets lost in translation and the urgency to void can’t be avoided.

There is a minor solution to this; Alcohol. Alcohol dehydrates the body, ergo all fluids remain  embellished in tissues and cells and take their time to find an escape route. (Unless, you’ve been perched on a bar stool for three hours enjoying great Company, Cuisine, and  Cosmos). Your bladder has been boxed in and the fluids are floating at high tide looking for an exit that has been smushed into a cushioned seat; Sooo the moment you stand an alarm goes off in your system that screams:

“Find a toilet, Danger, Danger….urine will commence in five…….four……three……”.

Faster than a dog can lick a dish of left over steak you rush to the ladies room. Unless you’re amongst some of the less fortunate drunks who end up in the planter outside the entrance or possibly planned ahead,  and wore their depends.

I love what life dishes out on a paper plate. The process of aging is the icing on the cake left in the dumpster outside Giovanni’s Italian restaurant.  It doesn’t get better, it gets different. Better is the prime of your life without worry and cares. It is the youth inside screaming to be released. Getting older is your mind starting foreclosure on your body with your Libido requesting an extension.

 I don’t think my dog knows that he is a year older, I don’t think he cares. I have noticed a few changes of life in him that entail a calmer notion in behavior and in understanding my gibberish commands better. I only have to say “come” three times now instead of just closing the back  sliding door and  watching him stare at me with watery eyes through the glass in wonderment if I really will leave him out in the 93 degree heat.

 I would say that Dogs definitely get better with age. I think Charly-dog knows that his life expectancy is shorter than his owner.  And he knows how to deal with the aging process much better than I do. Well at least I think he does. He certainly gives the impression that he has a handle on it.

O.K…O.K….. I did see him adding a nip of  a Dogfish Bitches Brew to his Science Chow……Ain’t aging a bitch….but the cure comes in a vintage form.