OK, Release the menopausal dawgs and let’s commence with some raging bull. How does one mother get her coed daughter to pick up her room? A room that has been condemned by the board of health and contains chalk outlines of discarded clothing. I opted to employ a demolition crew but I am not quite ready to renovate. And besides, I don’t think Ty Pennington and his escorts will handle just ONE messy room. I could just hear the extreme entourage now as they make it over to my spread wearing their designer denims and yielding a Holler Back megaphone:
“Good morning little rich kid in a fancy University! Are you ready for me and my pals to sashay into that room of yours with our pink backhoe to bulldoze the floor in order to locate the closet to hang up some of your clothes?”.
I could just imagine the incredible sob saga now as tearful Ty explains to his peeps how this “unfortunate college coed just can’t find the time to clean her room in between folding pizza boxes at work, shopping 24/7, and engaging in a free-floating night life; why this must devastate this child to come home at all hours of the night and find discarded Victoria undergarments lolly-gagging about withholding secrets and catering to dust bunnies. We at Extreme Room Decor sympathize with this poor unfortunate college student who’s mother has been unable to enter her room in two years without a crow bar. And what about the family pet that they thought was missing for two days but later surfaced nestled in with the neglected stuffed animals garnishing the floor of the walk-in closet. And imagine the humiliation felt when her brother posted a neon Yard Sale sign in her bedroom window flashing: Take This Crap Now….Yes folks, this is truly a site to behold. Never has the Extreme team ever been called upon to help this little darling sort out her life and her laundry!”.
Well thank you Ty from the bottom of my scrub bucket. But I really wanted to call the Swat team wearing their Hazmat suits to clean up this eye sore of toxic waistbands and T-shirts. I have contributed enough money to the Government and I think for the first time I should utilize my tax dollars in a more constructive way. Maybe I could get a special discount with the ATF as they send their German Shepherd’s in to confiscate the Air soft pellets embedded in the rug that were misfired by my son. Maybe Greenpeace could rid this haven harboring hazardous candy wrappers oozing chocolate residue onto the hardwoods from Halloween Two. Maybe I’ll give EcoNet a call to collect all the perfumed sprays and hair Gels lining the bathroom counter tops that clog up the household atmosphere . I’ll AXE them about the pipes later. Hopefully they can impose a little clean air in that act. Yeah, then I can contact the Wilderness Society so they can control the population growth of all their loose socks, because they are now down to ZERO pairs. Maybe notifying the Sierra Club will help to curb this nature vs Not- Picking -up -after -themselves-nurture and help stop the influence of the grass-roots growing under the Queen size beds. I would also like them to assist in the scented oil spills concealed in the cabinet doors. Yes, I think I am beginning to take a special interest in the undertakings of tackling this issue from a different standpoint. I could exercise my right to take advantage of these organizations which were surely formed for the sake of a mother wanting peace of mind and a pristine sleeping area ,instead of the urge to throw a stick of dynamite onto an unmade bed heaped with last weeks attire. Maybe these organizations will back me as I ransack her room and kick ass-ide the overgrowth of wet towels blanketing the bathroom floor. Maybe I’ll terminate her Land Rights and pull that filthy carpet right out from under her overstuffed laundry basket and see how she likes tripping over toppled shoes during the day.
Or maybe I’ll just help her move out in the Fall and condemn her to a life in a Dorm……………Payback, an Environmental Defense Mechanism.
This is dedicated to Sharon.