Get a Bolg in Edgewise

What is the point of going to a gym to work out where the surround sound is blasting it’s predetermined tune, and the T.V.’s are all set to CNN with subtitles, and you are vehemently perspiring on your Mega machine absorbing all the white noise, and  before you can step up to a reasonable speed, a giant woman saddles her Nikes on the pedals of the adjoining ride and blasts her own personal I Phone to  blare Jay Z and Beyonce for all to hear…

Apparently she had not  yet heard of the great discovery of EAR phones. Although, by the SIZE of things, there could be a little TOO much Skull Candy on the menu.  This woman’s not -so-smart-phone was wailing everything form Lil Wayne to Waylon Jennings over the all- encompassed distorted made- in- China-speakers that BlackBerry can cultivate.  This is not a piece of technology that entertains Bose woofers that tweet with a mild base;   this was a phone that projected music through it’s 1 Gee- got -no -reception- network -of mangled wires that were held together by electrician’s tape. This woman proceeded to ferry herself onto her exercise equipment in all her glory smacking Juicy Fruit and jiggling her Juicy Couture.   Her obtrusiveness was making it hard for the other “attendees” to enjoy their workout time without listening to her vibrant near nineties tunes screech at the top of her mega bytes.  The mere fact that she was oblivious to people around her and ignoring any consideration of their right to pump iron , all the while being held captive to her outmoded music.  This woman was persistent and kept increasing the volume of her phone.  I tried to ignore this intrusion  that was causing irreparable damage to my ossicles and just focus on the t.v.’s subtitles that appeared to be typed by  Marlee Matlin, but this woman’s Not-so -smart- phone was irritating the entire gym nation.  I just wanted to confiscate her Blackberry and throw it into the fruit compost pile; but instead I handled the situation in a more diplomatic fashion…….I raised the volume up on the TV until we had reached dueling broadcasts.  Wolfe Blitzer was barely audible in his tree next to Spandau Ballet.  I didn’t want to turn this exercise room into a situation.

I can her Wolfie now on this decibel dilemma as he straightens his Windsor knot and stares blankly at his teleprompter: “What. is. the .most. important .impediment .that .you. are .facing .right. now. with .this. happening. in. your. country?”

Well Mr. Blitzer..it all started when the Sony Walkman was entered into the Smithsonian and Ma Bell monopolized the phones and got  extremely wired-less and crossbred with various Fruited microcircuitry and gave birth to a lot of Smart systems to sell to our lovely Circuit City of people with too many Chips in their shoulder bag already….

I tried to be patient with this I- haven’t-been-to-the-gym-in-years- woman, and I understand she pays to be there just as much as everyone else does, but does that entitle her to blow-out Smashing Pumpkins for all to endure through her Itchy and Scratchy speaker system?  The best part in all this was watching her tread on her stair-master and answer her cell in between bursting her greatest hits.  I watched as she attempted to punch the mute button with what was left of her Press On nails to answer an incoming call.

I couldn’t believe the fortunate luck I was having……now I get to bear witness to a lengthy conversation about weeds killing her prized Apple tree. Now I get to listen to her fruity phone call… Well the McIntosh doesn’t fall far from the Blackberry..

I don’t understand why people feel the necessity to talk unnecessary nonsense while trying to better their bodies. The only pertinent conversation she might want to consider is with 9-1-1……….when I finish my workout with her………I’ll ruffle that couture covering into juicy-juice until that Smashbox runs down that earphone-less face, causing the thermal  resisters to experience an antenna switch outage, making her capacitors incapacitated and processed into a fruit compote……..

Oh , my, was I blogging out loud? I beg your pardon it must be the menopause talking…that progesterone certainly packs a punch. Why I would never ever consider any undo harm to someone’s Cell Phone…...

Spread the humor.

Advertisement