Charlywalker's Blog

{June 23, 2011}   Blog Against The Wall

Oh boy. Here I go again. Hold onto your brains, I’m approaching a bumpy gyrus……… don’t just sit and sulcus;  fasten your frontal lobes and grin and blog it…..

It appears on this hemisphere we are having a problem with security Pat Downs.  I tried to research Pat Downs using the Google search and I was unable to locate Ms. or Mr. Downs in the Transportation Security Administration.  Pat is a neutral name, it stands on either side of the gender bureau. Maybe I need a user friendly mode that has more badda-BING in it’s engine……(maybe I might have better luck if I check Megan’s Law website…. ouch..)

Apparently  Pat Downs has been seen wearing blue surgical gloves and groping youngsters who are traveling with mommy and daddy concealing Pampers in their carry-on.  It looks as though these little darlings are harboring explosive diapers as they waddle across the airport security sections.  Transit authorities are trying to Change the diaper dilemma and  have the toddler’s check their Huggies into baggage claim in order to lessen the work load of Pat Downs.

Oh I beg your pardon…….I misinterpreted the Ted Turner stations again…..they were discussing pat downs in the physical sense…..ohh do let me blog over….

Let’s talk pat downs.  I have never experienced a pat down since the new law took over our terminals.  I have had the luxury of the Wand tracing the outline of my stature spitting out “blips” as it lingered around my  under-wire……..(maybe we need to call in the Victoria Secret Service…..).   I don’t know how I would feel if I were pulled aside by a young, tall ,dark, and handsome TSA who wants to put his hands on me and gently pat down areas on my body with a slow blue glove…….

Oh…sorry….lost my focus for a moment….

I  saw on the news how some of these transit employees were performing their job. They seem to be enjoying their work now that pat downs have been approved.  The security employees are  a lot more “hands-on” now then they were in the old days, when you would just stroll through a scanner and  witness an occasional rifling of your neatly packed tote; hoping they breeze past an unknowingly canister of contraband left in the zipper pocket of a Samsonite that you borrowed from your sister’s hippie boyfriend….

As a former Airline Employee I never came across a pat down, or even a scanner.  We merely flagged our ID’s and were given an accepted wave to pass Go.  I did run across an incident with a security agent once who may have been riddled with the pat down syndrome when I was on a 24hr layover in The Emerald City.  I spent the night at my sisters house and upon packing my things I managed to slip one of her expensive make-up products into my color coded airline bag and neglected to tell her.  My sister and her hippie boyfriend took me to the airport and walked me to the gate, but her hippie boyfriend stopped short of the security table. ( He must have felt guilty about something…or maybe he was just somewhere over a rainbow looking for his pot of  Acapulco gold..).

I flipped my badge at the agent and slid on through as usual, but  this time they decided to pull me and my bag aside for a check.  As he was emptying the contents onto the table he fished out the bottle of make-up and lined it up in plain view of my sister’s eyes.  My sister commented on my pilfering her cosmetics and asked: “What else did you confiscate from my house?”.

(I may inject now, that this was during a time before CD’s were on the menu of music distribution and Records were the means of composition and not just for scratching, followed by eight track tapes.   For history sake, Vinyl records came in variations of 78, LP, and 45’s and  this all had to do with RPM’s.)

I replaced my articles that were displayed on the security table into my suitcase and I added a little joke as I answered my sisters query.  I retracted with: “Oh yeah, I also packed one of your 45’s in my back pocket”.

I said this as I was reaching behind my back and before I could relinquish my smirk,  a six foot 200 pound Agent came out of nowhere and snapped my arm behind my back and slammed me up against a wall and screamed at the back of my  impeccably coiffed airline doo:

” You think joking about guns is funny at an airport?”………

Mind you, I was in full dress uniform with my company wings flapping an attentive salute. He turned me around slowly and I could see he was a product of the 8-Track heaven generation so I methodically explained the history of  the modes and methods of music transportation and the means of listening to it being played.   He released his grip and let me go and decided not to RECORD it in his evening report..

At least in the pat downs today the agents offer you a quiet explanation as they explore the regions that seem to be out-of-the-boundaries – before the process was approved.  I don’t know if I’m comfortable with a low breathy stranger crooning his moves in my ear as I’m being gently stroked by a blue-hand- group inspecting  my expanding waistline…….

Well….maybe if it’s carried out in Italian, with candle light, dinner, and soft music Recording in the back round …….. I might look the other way………

spread the humor.

SandySays1 says:

FUNNY, LOL post! One of your best. SPAM!!! Some stuff is just as superfluous as its namesake. Oh, I know you’re to young to know about spam, the product, back when it came into being during the 40’s, but one of its detractors once said, “Spam’s best use is to place in the garbage can to keep varmits out. The first time I threw some out, nine mongrel dogs, three racoons and a ‘possum ran screaming from the can and haven’t been seen since.”
Sandy are so funny! Do you think Spam is a lethal weapon??? And I do remember the the can spam…never tried it though! LOL… If those critters never returned can you imagine what it does to humans????LOL Thanks you for your lovely comments ! Always a joy!

If I were a TSA, I’d hit the big red alarm button (thye have those, right?) as soon as you got within 100 feet of the checkpoint. I know when I see trouble walking.

LOL…YOU would just drop the Anvil of justice on me…… I am so please to see you actually took time out from your cubicle to read my blog…I’m…..Thank you….

sami116 says:

Pretty hilarious, never thought a simple pat down could be expressed in such a vivid description. (Y)

I always get stopped at airports whether I’m with a group, or travelling solo. If you were to take bets on who among the group, or individual is likely to be stopped, you’d make a small fortune by saying it would be me. I haven’t had the pat down yet as I haven’t been on a plane for a while, but it will only be a matter of time.

Oh, blue latex glove with the side order of vaseline. How long I have waited for thee…

Weethipse says:

What a great list! Thanks so much for including Simple Bites.

SandySays1 says:

LOL! CW you’ve got a good one here! Ever wonder what those pat downs might be like if you rigged a taser in the right locality?

Sandy..stop putting ideas in my head……LOL…. Thanks for stopping in..

Dusty says:

Damn, you are good girl! 😉

May I point out that the Tulsa Airport is manned..and womanned by Nazi agents? Oh yes..just take a walk on the wild side through their airport m’dear. They have a scanner and they know how to use it.

If, for some reason…say three blown discs…you can’t stand in the ‘proper’ position for their scanner to peek into all of your nether regions..the short, squatty bitches will be more than happy to scream instructions at you, loud enough to hear half a block away I might add.

Gawd forbid they get their happy asses into the scanner to show you if you aren’t able to comply. I know this because after having that fat bitch scream at me three times about assuming the proper position..I asked her if she would like to get her happy ass into the scanner w/me and show me the proper position. Evidently she wasn’t used to such responses as her face suddenly became fraught w/anger..turning three shades of red in a matter of seconds.

LAX didn’t even have a scanner..and one would think being the home of leftwing, homosexual deviants they would have such an object..but they did not…but I digress.

After the screaming match with the 4 foot female, a male agent came on scene and attempted to defuse the situation by saying: Either comply or we can do this the hard way. My response was terse. I don’t take screaming well, and besides I am disabled you fucking moron and can not raise my arms that far above my head. Perhaps you would like to finger…pat me down?

I almost missed my friggin plane..needless to say. 😉

Those broads need to get laid once in awhile..but being 4feet tall and quite overweight..I don’t see that happening in their lifetimes..

Whoa……you left quite a dusty storm there….LOL…. Now you need to get that blog off your chest and publish it!! LMAO lady…

Dusty says:

I don’t usually blog personal shit, but I do once in a blue moon. My specialty is bitchfests about the Federal Govt and the rightwing nutter colony that currently resides in our Congress.

I get it….but…you are funny..and you might reconsider branching out your bitchfest!! lol My explanation for my blog is:” It’s the Hormones talking”

Pat Downs, Victoria Secret Service? I love your sense of humor!

Thanks Renee! Love to keep ’em laughing!!

Enough to make me ecstatic about staycations! Glad you were caught…I have a sister like you. I don’t trust her in my flippin’ car, never mind my home! She even stole all the postage stamps off my love letters from my sweetheart. Yep, we know about sisters like you!! 😀

For the RECORD..I didn’t intentionally steal…..I grabbed her things along with my own….more like a mix-up ….. I hope you enjoyed the Pat Downs humor……thanks for the read!

The Hook says:

Hilarious post!

Thank Captin’…Hook…..can I call you Captin’? I lke the sound of it…LOL seriously, I am so glad to have made you chuckle..that’s my goal! Thanks for the coming aboard and I hope you continue to sail along on charlywalker’s ship….

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