Oh boy. Here I go again. Hold onto your brains, I’m approaching a bumpy gyrus………..so don’t just sit and sulcus; fasten your frontal lobes and grin and blog it…..
It appears on this hemisphere we are having a problem with security Pat Downs. I tried to research Pat Downs using the Google search and I was unable to locate Ms. or Mr. Downs in the Transportation Security Administration. Pat is a neutral name, it stands on either side of the gender bureau. Maybe I need a user friendly mode that has more badda-BING in it’s engine……(maybe I might have better luck if I check Megan’s Law website…. ouch..)
Apparently Pat Downs has been seen wearing blue surgical gloves and groping youngsters who are traveling with mommy and daddy concealing Pampers in their carry-on. It looks as though these little darlings are harboring explosive diapers as they waddle across the airport security sections. Transit authorities are trying to Change the diaper dilemma and have the toddler’s check their Huggies into baggage claim in order to lessen the work load of Pat Downs.
Oh I beg your pardon…….I misinterpreted the Ted Turner stations again…..they were discussing pat downs in the physical sense…..ohh do let me blog over….
Let’s talk pat downs. I have never experienced a pat down since the new law took over our terminals. I have had the luxury of the Wand tracing the outline of my stature spitting out “blips” as it lingered around my under-wire……..(maybe we need to call in the Victoria Secret Service…..). I don’t know how I would feel if I were pulled aside by a young, tall ,dark, and handsome TSA who wants to put his hands on me and gently pat down areas on my body with a slow blue glove…….
Oh…sorry….lost my focus for a moment….
I saw on the news how some of these transit employees were performing their job. They seem to be enjoying their work now that pat downs have been approved. The security employees are a lot more “hands-on” now then they were in the old days, when you would just stroll through a scanner and witness an occasional rifling of your neatly packed tote; hoping they breeze past an unknowingly canister of contraband left in the zipper pocket of a Samsonite that you borrowed from your sister’s hippie boyfriend….
As a former Airline Employee I never came across a pat down, or even a scanner. We merely flagged our ID’s and were given an accepted wave to pass Go. I did run across an incident with a security agent once who may have been riddled with the pat down syndrome when I was on a 24hr layover in The Emerald City. I spent the night at my sisters house and upon packing my things I managed to slip one of her expensive make-up products into my color coded airline bag and neglected to tell her. My sister and her hippie boyfriend took me to the airport and walked me to the gate, but her hippie boyfriend stopped short of the security table. ( He must have felt guilty about something…or maybe he was just somewhere over a rainbow looking for his pot of Acapulco gold..).
I flipped my badge at the agent and slid on through as usual, but this time they decided to pull me and my bag aside for a check. As he was emptying the contents onto the table he fished out the bottle of make-up and lined it up in plain view of my sister’s eyes. My sister commented on my pilfering her cosmetics and asked: “What else did you confiscate from my house?”.
(I may inject now, that this was during a time before CD’s were on the menu of music distribution and Records were the means of composition and not just for scratching, followed by eight track tapes. For history sake, Vinyl records came in variations of 78, LP, and 45’s and this all had to do with RPM’s.)
I replaced my articles that were displayed on the security table into my suitcase and I added a little joke as I answered my sisters query. I retracted with: “Oh yeah, I also packed one of your 45’s in my back pocket”.
I said this as I was reaching behind my back and before I could relinquish my smirk, a six foot 200 pound Agent came out of nowhere and snapped my arm behind my back and slammed me up against a wall and screamed at the back of my impeccably coiffed airline doo:
” You think joking about guns is funny at an airport?”………
Mind you, I was in full dress uniform with my company wings flapping an attentive salute. He turned me around slowly and I could see he was a product of the 8-Track heaven generation so I methodically explained the history of the modes and methods of music transportation and the means of listening to it being played. He released his grip and let me go and decided not to RECORD it in his evening report..
At least in the pat downs today the agents offer you a quiet explanation as they explore the regions that seem to be out-of-the-boundaries – before the process was approved. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with a low breathy stranger crooning his moves in my ear as I’m being gently stroked by a blue-hand- group inspecting my expanding waistline…….
Well….maybe if it’s carried out in Italian, with candle light, dinner, and soft music Recording in the back round …….. I might look the other way………
spread the humor.