Charlywalker's Blog

{July 23, 2011}   Some of the Best Laid Blogs

I am not a big planner in life.  I admire those people that carry their life in the palm of their pocket.  I tried to get inspired by those folks whose lives run on a PDA, but the best I can do is scribble notes on a giant desk calender and forget to look at it again.  Or the important data I just documented has a mishap with my cappuccino and is now rendered illegible.

Oh, I have planned vacations and booked flights, but it’s really not me doing the arrangements, it’s the booking agent that gets all the credit.  I know everything is handled through the information highway with precise technocality, but I am the person who downloads the material online while talking to the agent.  I need the comfort of a human voice that responds back with semi-logic and a  peppy emotion who entraps me to commit to a date and hand over my American Express card.

It seems that some of my best laid plans go awry no matter how methodically I  manage to orchestrate them in my mind.  For example:  Last night I planned a great nights sleep with Charly dog nesting at my ankles and  wake up refreshed and ready to prance off to the gym to endure a grueling workout sporting my matching Nike attire.

Instead….I woke up to a puddle of pee at the base of the bed.

My first inclination after I yanked the covers  off was to replicate that memorable scene from the Godfather where the studio head discovers the horses noggin beneath the bedding.

But…. it was early and I didn’t want to wake the sleeping teens down the corridor for fear of being doused with attitude and rolling eyes; or..worse yet… I believe my quasi adult children may have listed a retirement community on their cell phones……s(pee)d dial…….

It did cross (what’s left of) my mind,  that…well….er……did I have and accidental accident???

I know I’m in the drones of menopause and plumbing issues are near the top of the list of things that go bump in the night.  I did under go a surgical procedure  a few years ago that was performed by a robot harboring arms like a giant spider which has the same name of the artist who painted The Last Supper, and looked as though it was assembled  at NASA.  This was a procedure that was less invasive and could be executed in under two hours.  That is, if there are no complications.  Mine lasted five hours because the commander at the controls ripped a hole in my bladder which resulted in a 911 call to an in-House specialist. So, needless to say, that morning I thought I had sprung a leak.

As I toppled out of bed and began to  figure out a way to wake my husband and break the news to him that I just might be a victim of the Depends generation I realized:

Maybe it’s time to wake up and smell the urine.  No more  sailing that sea of denial that age and women don’t mix well in certain genres.  Might as well face the future and take it with a grain of cotton and imported materials with a flexible waistline……………

……..and that an over-sized puffy pant, while moderately absorbent and locks in odors, may be replacing my  Pink Victoria Secret  Lacy Wonder Scanty Panty.

As I climbed off the California King (mattress) my foot touched a breathing furry object semi cowered under the bed.  There lie Charly-dog staring at me with guilty big round eyes and shaking as if he were stuck in a winter storm without his coat. He glared with the kind of eyes you see in a Keane painting that  boarder on cuteness and crazy.   I noticed a dotted trail of pee that flowed in his direction and it didn’t take the Dream Team to figure who the culprit was in this voiding crime.  I’m surprised my pup didn’t grab my husbands Bruno Magli’s and leave and imprint in the carpet…..

I was angry at the dog and wanted to reprimand him for the dirty deed that happened during my REM slumber, but I didn’t get mad at Charly for his incidental accident on my dry clean only comforter.  I turned my anger into elation because it wasn’t me that suffered the indiscriminate incontinence…… it was my pup.

Oh Halleluja and pass the menopausal plate!  I have branded another age defying dilemma and will Prevail with Dignity-plus a Nu-Fit on age that Depends on the Tranquility  that life can Pull-Up.

I picked up my shivering puppy and held him tight and whispered in his bobble head that “everything will be O.K”.

Tonight my Plan is to take a Brief interlude and turn a Puppy-Pad into a Huggies Overniteoh..and..delete the retirement center’s number on my kids cell phones…

spread the humor.

itslisa says:

Enjoyed the post. Of course it’s always much more fun watching other people grapple with age, kids and puppies than doing it yourself.

Thanks for the drop in!

SandySays1 says:

Charly that was a great post and left both me and my human in LOL mode. The Geezer said your vivid description of your “robot operation” reminded him of one of his many bouts with kidney stones (ouch) and the process of having them crushed and extracted. The attendent was female and was directly related to nurse Rachett.

Sandy you say it best!! Thank you for your comments!

Maybe it was you, but charly is such a friend that he climbed up the bed so he could take the blame.

LOL..he’s not that faithful….

The Hook says:

Awesome post, young lady!

Thank you…batman!…LOL….

You won’t be forgetting to take the pup out one last time before bedtime and removing the water bowl overnight anymore, now will ya’?

Oh boy CW – aren’t we quick to take the rap!? So glad it was Charley Dog and that he didn’t get some horrible treatment because of the accident. Hope he gets past the stage while your compassion and relief lasts!

It’s the menopause talking! LOL…I hear the change(s) can happen over night! Poor Charly-dog, turns out it was the Prednizone he was taking for a rash that cause the incessant urination……oh, just another Vet bill to add to the stack…LOL thanks for the pop-in.

Which is worse: Your dog piddling at the foot of your bed or my cat hacking up a furball at the top of mine in close proximity to my face. Nothing like the dulcet tones of a feline fucking up your midsummer nights sleep.. the added bonus of being half asleep, trying to get the damn cat away from my face and off the bed.

Poor puppy! 😆

barb19 says:

Glad to hear the Depends wont be needed – yet!
Did you have a quiet word in the pup’s ear?
I loved your post Charly, you have a way with words!

I felt badly for him, he knew he did something wrong, and I learned from my doggie shows to not reprimand unless you catch them in the act. It turns out it was the Meds he was taking for a rash he developed while peeing under one of the pine trees….LOL Good to hear from you Barb! Thank you for the lovely comment.

Yes you can’t rouse on a very naughty pup. I know the feeling of getting up lots to go to the loo but I’ve never blamed myself for a errant puddle LOL

LOL..that’s ’cause you’re still young…..thanks for the stop in..lovely to see you.

Phil says:

See, if you delete the phone numbers altogether, your kids would get suspicious. Instead, just edit and change the numbers to the reservation center for the Grand Hyatt Hotel or someplace kind of nice like that if you’re gonna be shipped away. Besides, I think the Grand Hyatt is probably cheaper than a Nursing Home.

Congrats on not peeing your bed!

Very funny! and thanks for the idea…..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: