Well…I’m heading out West soon for a family wedding. This could either be a great time or a prelude to a Muppet’s reality show..
The trip started with my two kids , Sweetums and Scooter being yanked outta the airport security line and experiencing their first Pat Down. I ventured through the X-ray machine first followed by my son Scooter wearing his hipster cargo shorts that carry more compartments than a B757-200 freighter on it’s way back from China. Lagging behind donning her jewels of the Nile draped like Christmas lights, was my daughter Sweetums. I gave a pre- flight demonstration the night before we were to depart to the West explaining the list of; What Not To Wear when flying. My Coed daughter assumed this pertained to Mr. Blackwell’s list.
The first shiny badge to grab me was Fozzie Bear asking if I was the mother of young Scooter behind me. Three seconds of thought had my mind grabbing my items and race down the corridor to see if there was a solo seat left on any flight to Italy and enjoy the Tuscan sun, instead of joining the cast of characters that awaited our landing out West……
I conceded that he was my son and Fozzie said I needed to watch as they Pat Down my teen….with emphasis on his Cargo room. My son glared at me when I tried to suppress my grin as his six foot frame was experiencing the blue hand grope assisted by Grover. My son is a character all his own. He doesn’t need any help from anyone to produce a stand-up routine and gain attention from a crowd. It comes naturally to him. When Assistant Grover started the Pat Down procedure on Scooter with Fozzie Bear supervising, Scooter decided to give a low groan of “ohhh yeah….” just as Grover’s Blue paw passed the no FLY zone on his Cargo pants.
I shot my son a lightening stare of a cross between; “Just wait til I get my hands on you, and ,my God I’m going to burst out laughing“.
My daughter, Sweetum’s was snatched by Rizzo the Rat and thrown into a glass maze. I was made aware of this by the noise her colossal earrings made when they hit the side of her jaw as her head turned to find me. This sound proof booth was a check point for explosive residue. I watched as Rizzo nabbed an instrument and slowly swept Sweetum’s body with a Geiger counter spewing gusto as if it witnessed the aftermath of a day at Chernobyl.
I saw Sweetum’s leer at me with worried wonderment and I returned her gaze with a reassuring Cheshire grin through the looking glass. A smile that carried a bulletin of: Now do you get that mommie doesn’t just blow hot air through your auricles to land on deaf ear-lobes that dangle designer plastic hoops…..
We made it to the plane and my two darling puppets started to argue as to who will get the window seat. (As if it really mattered and they really wanted to view the geographic’s of our lovely globe.) They both spent the entire flight electronically connected to some type of computer generated apparatus. Scooter won the window seat lottery and viewed the whole flight via Ipad Navigator. Sweetum’s clung to a stuffed bear given to her by her absent boyfriend and plugged herself into her Ipod and lost herself in mood music.
I tried to flag down a frazzled flight attendant to order a bloody Mary and I was met with Miss Piggy pushing a beverage cart down the aisle and yelling at Steward Beaker to get more cups. Every time Miss Piggy turned to face a passenger someone sitting in the the aisle seat got a shot from the hip. At least it was a padded blow to the head. I jokingly asked her if she could remain standing there for the complete flight so I could have a head rest and grab some shut eye. My son laughed at that one.
We landed on the West and were being picked up by my older sister who I haven’t seen in years. She text me to describe her gold luxury 300G and said she would be getting us outside the baggage claim. My children and I grabbed our bags and rolled on out to the crowded arrival deck. We located a Gold Sporty SUV idling with a woman in the drivers seat staring straight ahead who resembled my sister. We all waived in unison to flag her down and approached her car smiling with glee and started to load our luggage into the back of her car. As I lifted the first suitcase we heard a honk from the car behind us and it was my sister; Foo-Foo.
Foo-Foo drove us to her lovely home on the water where we were to stay for a few days before we headed north to attend a family wedding of my brothers son. Foo-Foo, Sweetum’s, Scooter, and I enjoyed our time together until Foo-Foo’s husband, Oscar-the Grouch, came down with walking pneumonia and made our stay short lived. Foo-Foo ferried us to my mother’s (Camilla) place packed in her Luxury Gold SUV for a two hour ride to a charted island. There we would be met by the Skipper and Gilligan; a millionaire and his wife, the Professor AND Maryanne……….
We stayed between Camilla’s house and my Brother Elmo’s place at the beach house which harbored the likes of: The Swedish Chef concocting the most delectable treats roasted on Elmo’s Fire, Pops in his walker which was stolen and used as a wheelie- toy by great grandson Kermit. The cast of relatives included: Rowlf the Dog, Hogthrob, Dr. Teeth, gaffer, Various, Waldorf, Uncle deadly, Julius Strangepork, Floyd, Robin, Thog, Lew Zealan, Gonzo, Dr Bunsen Honeydew, Zoot, Muppy, Beauregard, Janice, Wanda, Hilda, Sam the Eagle, Statler, Wayne, Crazy Harry,Sue, Lips, Nigel, and, last but not least, Animal on drums. Most of whom began their day with beer and dough nuts and ended the night with fantastic stories which made you laugh until your stomach hurt. Each of whom could capture and carry the most renown version of Marty Robbin’s song of El Paso in the key of F (flat) to be sung all through the night in various locations in a sleepy town 78 miles north of the Emerald City.
The wedding was a smash hit especially with the Muppet clan singing El Paso as the Bride and Groom took their fateful walk down the aisle of Marriage into the reception hall. I loved this group of Muppet misfits and I am proud to have been a part of them during this glorious time. I didn’t know what to expect given the horror stories of family gatherings, but this by far was an unexpected pleasure and sheer Puppet mastery with no strings attached. Well, maybe with the exception of Crabby Patty resurfacing on shore trying to keep his claws out of the drink.
This was your Muppet News woman reporting……..spread the humor.