I am about to discuss a very important issue on this quilted Northern Hemisphere that seems to go unaddressed by our lovely Nation. An issue that just might be the cause of our next world war without a White Cloud in the sky. An issue that can set off a persons inner time bomb to explode beyond belief and and cause an irrefutable trickle down effect to the most modern of nuclear families……………….
I’m talking about that empty roll of toilet paper left behind in every bathroom exposing its matted cardboard frame with one quarter of a torn tissue left hanging on for survival…..when it’s mom’s turn to use the potty.
We have four bathrooms in our house with four people occupying these rooms when needed. Each of these persons Bath hoards numerous spare rolls of toilet tissue under the sink neatly stacked behind the cabinet doors. Every time I wade through one of these bathrooms sponsored by a teen or a college coed, I am left with Shock and Awe at the inability to replace the always empty toilet roll holder.
I spend more time cleaning these utility rooms than using them, although at times, the incentive sets in during the cleaning process and urgency is promoted by my (now) working environment. Usually I have the foresight to recognize the missing piece in the bathroom puzzle and replace the roll with confidence and assurance that one of my immediate family members will follow suit and reach for that Charmin(g) call of duty. I have tested the Ultra-Soft approach and tried to subpoena my relations to the table of toiletries to discuss the ramifications of the last Emperor on the throne who abrogates the final piece of 2-ply and refuses to Over throw the empty cylinder into the trash and reestablish a Fresh Cottonelle for the Queen of the house.
I decided to use tough love. I sat my prodigy’s and husband through a slide show of the history of toilet paper and offered a few of the highlights of the evolution of this product and the people involved in it’s making. I gathered a few things from the compost pile to use as a visual in order to gain the best effect. Prior to the luxury of Kimberly-Clark, ancient folks had the glory of utilizing what was in their own back yard:
GRASS LEAVES: A bit thin and narrow for those tight places….(.hmmm…wouldn’t phase the coed daughter she’s use to the rubber band panties offered at Victoria Secret….).
FUR: Well, I don’t own a mink or any Faux Furs…..maybe Charly -dog can lend a hand…er a paw….er a pelt……..
MUSSELL SHELLS: I think not. The vision alone makes me not want to order them again with a chorizo base sauce..
CORN COBS:………….I don’t even wanna know….must have been invented by a major Colonel……
I explained the tactics used by the ancient Greeks and Romans who brandished pieces of clay, stones, and sponge on a stick while holding my Rubbermaid pot scrubber Upright. I told my nuclear family that I take this “not replacing the empty toilet roll” very seriously and it has reached a point of no return. Which is what my family does….No RETURN with a new roll……..
I continued to explain to these deaf ears stuffed with tissue, about the antediluvian methods the Early Americans used as the Official Toilet Paper:
THE NEWSPAPER: ….Oh great..now I need to subscribe to the Inquirer.….( it was then my son raised his hand and asked if ” THE DIGITAL EDITION WAS ACCEPTABLE”….).
THE SEARS CATALOGUE: Also known as “Rears and SoreButt”…. One could puncture a hole in the corner of the book and hang it from a hook and rip out pages for usage. ( hmmmm…..my coed daughter could fixate on the shoes and make use of the sales……….could produce a shortage).
After I finished flushing history down my families throats and sanitizing the grunts and eye rolling, I continued on my rant featuring the discoveries of Joseph Gayetty of NYC and his first packages of pre-moistened medicated sheets established in 1857. He was so full of himself that his name was printed on every sheet. The whole country was engulfed with aloe treated toilet paper having a grand old party wiping away their woes…….with gaiety.
( This set off a light bulb in my brain…..monogrammed toilet paper with each individuals initials on every Extra Soft Single, to rest assure that when they wipe their egocentric bottoms they will be initially reminded that it is indeed a special roll to be hung with glory that faces them daily. My Brood will be made to sit and reflect on that empty stainless steel holder that mirrors the image of a wanton fool who neglected to replace the Two-Ply…………..
Because mom now knows who the “wasn’t me” culprit is………….well..at least it’s Splinter Free.
spread the humor.