My television is on it’s last tube and needed to be laid to rest. We owned this antiquated boob-tube for fifteen years and it followed us through-out our trans continental locations with out obtaining one scratch from the moving company.( Even the remote laid intact, batteries included…….). This ancient analogue helped raise my children and provided entertainment(?) for our family during Prime Time…………and not for prime time.
I don’t know where this TV ‘s final resting place will be, because…well….I don’t know where TV’s go when they run out of their power supply and forfeit their vertical stance for a horizontal time- base. I guess the amplifier is out cold and syncing into the contrast as it separates the demodulator which will never flyback in order to transform…..
In other words I am now faced with having to purchase a replacement.
I hate shopping for Large Electronics. Unless it is a life-like robot of Brad Pitt. I particularly do not like to shop for a large electronic housed in a giant ware -house that offers the Cost- Consumer, what they deem, a fair and balanced deal.
Unfortuneately, one day while unloading my five gallon olive jar onto a conveyer belt during checkout, my membership was inadvertently upgraded to a higher level. This was LED by princess Leah wearing a yellow see through vest wielding a laser ,holding me at gun point, which I later found out is disguised as random price checks….
SO…. now I get to make Executive decisions when I spend on items that nurture a shelf span of eternity and could possibly supply a small nation.
I have been a member of this giant house of Cost-Containing surplus since their conception, and never took the opportunity to investigate their backlog of electronic offerings, until our faithful Panasonic died.
I entered the wear-house in anticipation of leaving with a new TV. A new and improved TV. A television of our times. A television that my children can be proud of that contains the current mechanisms to import whatever attachment they may need to export for their viewing pleasure. Something that will tickle their little pixels…..
I spent two hours pacing through the television aisles with various brand names and notable features staring at me. I had fragments of the alphabet swirling in my head, with the likes of:
LCD…LED…HD..CRT….DLP..HDTV…..all those abbreviations gave me a thriving ADHDS………Attention Deficit (to) High Density Systems. Soooo many choices and my time was running short. I immediately ruled out Plasma,…….. who wants to watch a clear yellowish fluid flow out from the screen……..
Finally, a Cost-Courtious employee approached me, well I think it was an employee, this one had on a red vest. I was grateful that it wasn’t security as I had been occupying the same area for hours with out assistance, possibly raising a height of suspicion around the store. (Yes…I’m sure to them, I was a candidate to conceal a 60 inch SMART-HDTV under my Victoria Secret Hoodie and shuffle out the wired doors wearing platform booties onto the lot, where I inevitably always forget where my car is parked…… ). I guess I could have pitched a tent in stead of a fit, but I wasn’t in the camping aisle….
Even under non emergent shopping days I spend a leisurely 2 plus hours trolling the hallways of this giant ware-house. One day in particular I noticed a tall man with dark hair following me about as I meandered between the 50 lb coffee bags and dancing on through the plastic utensils that can service a table of 500. It wasn’t until I lingered too long in the women’s necessity aisle that I caught a glimpse of him eying me through a peep-toe shoe, and I waltzed my flat-bed of items to the front desk to complain. I ranted about the blatant obviousness of their security methods and do they really think I can smuggle a frozen King Salmon in my spanks………unnoticed???? Chilling thought.
The manager listened intently and had me describe the man to him that was following me throughout the store. I did this with intense detail from his cologne all the way to his fake pinky ring. The manager gave a slight chuckle and exposed to me that his store only has women security agents employed today. I thanked the manager and asked him that when I am ready to check out would he kindly furnish me with an escort to my car as I do not want to end up sleeping with the frozen fillets…….
Meanwhile, I was LED back to the Electronic ranch to listen to the courteous attendant start to describe the differences in the various makes and models of the HD haven that was spread out before me. I stood there in my TV trance and I snapped too when I heard him utter the word “Smart Television”.
Hmmmm.. I am tired of that adjective being attached to items of every day use………… Smart tv, Smart phones, Smart washers & dryers, Smart clocks,……. Smart Alec’s………..I’m not playing this Panel Game Mr. Smarty pants…..
I don’t want to own anything that is smarter than me. I might lose control. And God knows how often the Control’s get lost in my house……
After a long and arduous meeting of the neurons, I opted for the Smart -TV costing a bundle and causing my wallet to smart. The Cost-Conscious employee loaded the flat screen into my car and off I drove into the sunset toward the reluctant teen at home awaiting to help me assemble this work of art. This ART that carries a 90 day return policy. This Smart -piece-of-crap-de-resistance hung flawless in our home up until the 99th day when it decided to use it’s craft and emit distortion and ghost figures followed by pixel interruptus……
My Panasonic never gave me any back talk…
I went through the proper Channels to remedy the problems which ultimately LED me to dismantle the Hair-brained TV and lug it back to the giant Cost-consuming store. I stood in line with receipt in hand and was approached by a Blue vested worker who loudly announced that I was “past the ninety days for a return”. ( At this point I was thinking maybe I should have opted for the Plasma, at least the blood pulsating through the veins in my head would have been replenished….)
The large mouth bassy flopped over her deck of returns and handed me a business card with a toll free number of a concierge unit belonging to the giant Cost-conglomerate and fished out the words “good-luck”.
Luck I don’t need….a working TV…..I do.
I tried to remain calm and not activate the spare key on my key chain to the wine cabinet…….but I realized I was not in the confines of my own home, and I don’t have key roaming…..
I was instructed to “step aside” for the other customers as I stood guard of my flat screen and dialed the number issued to me for problem resolution. I explained the situation to this Cost-concierge in grave detail and was LED to the call center of the manufacturer of the Smart-TV,who told me to:
“Go home and set the the TV back up and we can troubleshoot and call the repair person for replacement parts”.
O.K. let’s re-cap: “I spent mega-bucks on an electronic item from a Cost-corrupt environment that is barely 3.5 months old, who is waiving their responsibility to assist me in exchanging this faulty TV and passing me on to the Maker who produces this product , who want to send someone to replace a part which has not yet been determined if that is the root of the problem? In other words….you are telling me that my brand new recently purchased smart -TV is in need of repair”.
I buy a Brand spanking new TV. I go home and plug it in. I turn it on and it works, it works for the first 90 days. Now they want to put parts in it with out investigating the TV. They will not give me another one. They will not give me my money back. I am stuck with this Brand New HDTV that, even if parts are exchanged or repaired , could still cause issues after the warranty expires. Then what? More repairs? Hmmmm…..how very Smart of them……
I walked over to the Armoire sitting across the room that carried the old Panasonic in it’s cupboard and looked at the bare shelf and pondered at the changes over those 15 years. Changes involving the advancements in our society. Changes in the products,the people, the customer service from Neverland, the hand-off of accountability, no more dumb TV’s…….
Changes that LED me to turn that empty cabinet into a wine closet where I will sit and toast my Brand New Flat Screen Smart HDTV with all it’s ghost like manner spewing fireworks of distortion, while I wait for the Smarty-Pants repairman……..
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