Charlywalker's Blog

{November 5, 2013}   Blogger’N Hell…

One of my favorite authors wrote a book in the 70’s entitled; “The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank”.  I was barely out of high school when I became a big fan of Erma Bombeck.  I found her to be one of the most clever humorists on this globe and was particularly enchanted that she was nearing fifty when her books began to orbit the planet.   Impressive.   She built her career with articles which lead to best sellers based on her suburban home life, possibly some whilst in the midst of menopause.  Most impressive.

I loved her her work and often wondered how she  might have come up with the novel idea of the a fore mentioned  title.  I asked myself if maybe she was just sitting outside taking a quiet moment from the chaos of motherhood to watch the grass grow;  or perhaps  chasing after the crazy dog that ran out of the house with a Bra clenched between his canines and tripped over the cesspool cover causing a fall face down onto a greener pasture……….like I encountered.

However  the case, I commend her creative thought.   Imagine that book’s title had Erma lived on the Public sewer system.

My blog titles may not make sense to anyone but me. My format is to think of the heading first, then eventually fill in the puzzle with pieces of nonsense, quasi truths , and an added touch of experience and observation. For example: Blogger’N Hell.  I think of the expression “Hotter’N Hell”,  and obviously replacing a word in the phrase with the term Blog, either in past, present, or future tense.  My idea for this technique is not ingenious for I was new to the blogging world and had no idea at the time ,what in the hell I was doing.  The titles I came up with stem from a  catch phrase, or maybe a song, or some slogan I overheard while shopping for eggs. Then I laugh to myself as I enter the letters onto my keyboard to layout the Post Heading. I am smiling because I have no inkling what the body of the blog will contain.  I am a massive free-floater.

The title “Blogger’N Hell” made me think of Heat. Not Satan’s fiery Hell, but the earth’s climate in general.  Summer has past and the Fall’s atmospheric conditions showed signs of  sun and wind, ergo, I decided to dress warmly today. I grabbed last seasons leggings and covered them with a sweater dress , slipped on some wilted suede boots and a leather jacket to  head outside and walk the dog.  I barely got down to the end of the lane when I felt the sweat forming at the temples of my tinted hairline. I should have watched the morning news as the weather-person predicted temperatures in the 70’s.

Lately I have been having difficulty with the fluctuation of temperatures and I don’t mean of the external kind. Menopause and I are having a temporary battle of the bulge and sweats which do not coincide with the rest of the environment. My intrinsic Meteorologist has its own agenda. This attack of my internal global warming is causing a meltdown of decision making every time I enter my closet to dress for the day.  I spin my wardrobe wheel of fortune to help with the days pick of attire as I listen to the hormones whispering their “Yays” or “Nays”.  While my tempered hands glide across fabrics, I sense the Goldilocks  syndrome chiming in: “This Cashmere  sweater is too hot!”…..”This cotton shirt is too cold!”…..”This ugly-ass pair of sweat pants is juuussst right!”.  So I put on the cotton shirt, pull the cashmere sweater over my head, and jump into the ugly -ass sweats as I give the rest of my closet the finger.

Temperatures rising and falling biologically can explain certain side effects  a woman  in her fifties might encounter that cause her thought process to detour or stray.  For instance, someone in the drones of menopause may start the day off at her computer wanting to write about Global Warming in relation to the Earth, but end up in stead, twisting her genre to center around her hot-flashes.

When I  keyed in the Title, Blogger’N Hell I was going to rant about the cause or causes of Global Warming………………..from my viewpoint.

Ok, here goes:

Personally I think the polar ice caps are melting due to the fact  that has been overlooked for a long time. In 2010 the population of the States was 308.7 million  and I read a stat that showed  a rough estimate that 49% are male and 51% are female.  Of the 51% of females around 26% are women between the ages of 45 and 64. Now ,if I may estimate or Guess-timate to divide the country in half  lengthwise and roughly focus solely on the female population in the 45-64 age group that dwell below the 37th parallel, I might inject a reasonable fact that maybe…just maybe a very high percentage of these women could possibly be experiencing symptoms or are in full blown menopause.  AND keep in mind the geographical area of where they live; Southern California, Arizona, Texas, and Florida to name just a few parts of the United States that harbor temperatures in triple digits that can process humidity which will frizz the near bald head of a new born.

Now here’s my theory as to why all this is melting away.

If you are experiencing menopause under normal temperatures even in the dead of a winter blizzard you will find yourself dressed in your home in nothing but your underwear. The rest of your family will be appropriately attired and dialing their cellphones to reach a psychiatric unit to commit you.  So…Imagine the percentage of  women  aged 45-64 that reside in the unbearable heated climates below the 37th parallel  going through menopause and looking for a place to cool off and fan their internal heat fueled by a hormonal imbalance. Imagine. Where to go to retreat the heat.

THEY ALL MOVE RESIDENCE TO THE POLAR REGION.  All 26.4%  migrate to places like; The Yukon Territory, Siberia,Antarctica, or The Icebox of the Nation; Fraser, Colorado.   Imagine, all those menopausal women  that have been basking in sunshine and heat for the majority of their lives taking refuge in sub zero temperatures to seek relief, soaking their over heated bodies into the cool temps offered up by Jack Frost. This could react in a massive menopausal melting pot.  Why the internal heat alone from this 26.4%  would radiate into the Alps causing an avalanche of epic proportion.  This internal heat filters out of the menopausal body into the frozen environment as women scream out their cries of joy: “Ice Ice Baby”.  This, my blogger friends, is the cause of global warming.

I’m sure Erma would agree. Maybe she’d  a had another best seller with titles that include:

” The Ice Melts Faster if You Sit On It.” or ” Menopause..Into the White, the Other Side of Fifty Shades of Grey” or ” My Hormones Caused an Avalanche Over Alaska”, or “High Anxiety”, or “Incontinence…The Eighth Continent”.

Erma would have a hay day..she’d be dancing around to Nelly Lyrics….

spread the humor

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 4,300 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

I was just curious.  What does it take to get Freshly Pressed? I have been known to take my clothes to the cleaners to get that extra crease in the pant leg and a little more starch around the collar.  I walk around in wrinkle free attire unless it’s summer and I’m wearing linen.

Who are these folks that judge what will get pressed and what will not get pressed.  I’ve never had any indecision from my dry cleaner about my substance, unless they need to use the potent chemicals to remove the Marinara spot from  last nights dinner at Gino’s Trattoria.

One person mentioned that winners are chosen for the freshly pressed page if they include some eye candy. “Something picturesque that will catch the readers eye”.  Maybe if JD Salinger added a few Kodak moments to his draft he might have changed the title to: Catcher in the Eye….

I like the appeal of words and how they can lift off the page and let you formulate your own picture in your mind.  If a writer or author or better yet, a Blogger, can captivate your imagination with their writing, I think that should hold quite a presence in the judges EYES……anyone can Shop around for a Photo.

Is this the wave of the future in our young readers,( and I mean younger…under my age…waaayyy under my age)?  Are they in need of eye props to help them imagine what words are portraying?  Are folks becoming incapable of using their imaginations anymore to paint a photograph in their mind from descriptive expressions?   What if Melville used a Polaroid instead of his lovely colloquy…….would we witness a snapshot of Captain Ahab standing aboard the Pequod hoisting the Whale by a giant fish hook grinning into the camera held by First mate Ishmael?  Would that make Moby Dick a Whale of a story in our minds today…….maybe after the publishers harpoon the New Edition for today’s readers…….

Whether it’s paper or plastic screens that we feast our reader eyeballs on, do we need a pictorial accompaniment to satisfy our thoughts brought about by the written page. Have our imaginations been blown out of our brain and Gone with the Wind replaced with operable archetypes?  Do I need to paint a picture now……  having a sketch of Scarlett O’Hara wearing a dress made from draperies would not have helped my mind capture the burning of Tara……..unless she managed to leave the Curtain rod in….

Sometimes I wonder with Great Notion if the original bible had pictures ;would more folks pick it up for a read? And , possibly, the Blogging umpires would then try and Iron out the Photo-shopped pictographs for their freshly pressed homer…….

spread the humor

It’s raining over our little corner of the state and it hasn’t stopped for three days. If this continues I may have to build an ark. It won’t be a large one, mind you because the only animals being loaded in two by two are me and Charly-dog. So maybe I’ll just build a nice cozy two seater Cigarette boat like the one  Detective Crocket had when rounding up criminals in Key West.

 I think Charly-dog will like that cruiser it has an extended bow that cuts the waves just so to make his floppy ears hyperextend in the wind. This boat travels at 80 knots in calm water which means Charly and I will get a head start when the great flood hits. Problem  lies with neither one of us knowing how to operate one of these and would no doubt wreak havoc in pari delicto.

I have operated a boat, well lets say a 50 foot Bay Liner, but my  talents remained only at the helm with my father standing behind me all the way. I enjoyed steering the ship when the sea was calm and no other boats were in sight. I hated sitting at the captains chair during opening day. I would get nervous with all the boats surrounding displaying ttheir colored pennants screaming the name of their yacht club.

There were times when my father would “go below” to the “galley” or  visit “the head”, and leave me  flying solo on the bridge. I hated it.  I would get scared and my hands would freeze onto the wheel and I would close my eyes when another boat was approaching along side.  I found out later that turning a wheel on a ship and  steering your old Volkswagon Beetle have  nothing in common.  Not to mention the nautical terms that go along with it. To this day I still have a rough time with the words Port and Starboard.

It became abundantly clear when my English neighbor who claims to be knowledgeable in everything, set me straight:  “Port is the left side, when you pass the Port around the table you always pass it to your left”.

Equate anything to alcohol and my brain just soaks it up..

It’s not only raining outside it’s raining inside as well. Lately I have been unable to pass any of my exams in this one subject relating to Micro science. I don’t know what’s blocking me other than the fact I haven’t a clue about the content of the course. I am not the only one failing, there are others that have dropped out early on and only a few stragglers are left. I often wondered what the cause could be if over half the class is not getting the concept of the course and failing. I can’t fathom that the majority of the students are incapable of learning.

Personally I have my own theory;  I think that it is all about the money. I think they set the kids up for failure so they are forced to take the courses over again which is more money for the colleges. I can’t believe that over half the class is absolutely ignorant and predestined to fail. I corrected my professor tonight with regards to his power point presentation. I realized his PPT’s were different than the outlines he gave to us to utilize for his lectures. He made note of the importance of one topic to be highlighted for an exam yet we had no reference in a book or outline for this subject matter. I requested he surrender the PPt’s that he harbors in his private collection and he said he was not authorized to do so. That these PPt’s were not his to give out.

I said:”what’s the difference if I delay class time to transpose these via my handwritten transcript or possibly take a photo with my I Phone.”. He was not obliging which led me to believe that these notes were congruent with tests questions that we were not privy to. I hit the nail on the head. If the college makes the standard so high and unattainable and align their teaching techniques to set the student up to fail and retake the course; well, they stand to make a bundle.

I met kids that are taking a course three times over that was funded by the Government. Who cares where the money comes from as long as it’s coming in. Keep setting the bar too high and keep collecting as the dominos fall. No one should be taking a course over if they 1) show up 2) honestly do the work 3) hand in homework 4) and are giving it the old college try and are genuinely trying to learn.  I still could not get a valid reason as to why my professor would not forfeit his superiors lecture PPt’s. The only conclusion I could ascertain is that they probably catered to the Exams. And just maybe if  we were privy to these notes we might all get “A’s”.

 OMG. Then the students might take the reins and actually pass the course. Then who will reign.

I’ll be at that educational wheel maneuvering the waves of circumvention until the rain stops…..Ahoy Matey , gang way to cast off dead – ahead…..

spread the humor.

et cetera
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