{October 5, 2011}
All’s Fair In Love and Blog
{September 5, 2011}
You Can Teach and Old Blog New Tricks
Dear Faithful Bloggers,
Due to the fact that I am inept at setting archives to my Blog site, I am going to burden you with some of my earlier work. I started this Blog after adopting a mongrel and wrote about my frustrations with Puppy-dom. Add Menopause, Motherhood, atypical Mayhem, and a touch of Merlot, I showered this blog with fact bearing sheer nonsense, in which I hope you will comment and: spread the humor….’Sincerely, CW.
The snow is melting and leaving spots on my yard looking like a patchwork quilt. I think the storms are fading and Spring is trying to hone in where it should have been weeks ago.
My puppy is fluent in making storm stools. I was worried how the winter would affect his potty rituals but Charly-dog came through like a trooper. A pooper trooper. I think he is a little too proficient in relieving himself in the winter, because he now treats the now effacing green blemishes as if they are Poison Ivy patches.He now goes directly to the nearest snow pimple to drop his excess baggage. Maybe the ice on his fanny cools the burning sensation of those tough days of constipation when he swallowed everything lying loose on the floor. Maybe Charly has a case of Hemorrhoids and the snow acts like Preparation H.(hiney).
Whatever the case, he seems to have a hard time figuring out the changes on this planet. He’s only eight months and hasn’t experienced all four seasons to their fullest. Maybe I’ll have to keep a patch of white ongoing throughout the Spring in order to ease his transition. I could sculpt a make shift potty and keep it in the freezer and pull it out in the summer months.
Charly-dog has decided to mark his territory all over the lawn. This is something new to us and takes a lot of time. He likes to cover the entire acre and a half lifting his back leg onto specified areas. Areas that only HE can dick-tate. Charly will encompass the entire yard and stop every so often to spill a little content on his chosen spot. Not like the old days where he would pee for minutes and head home.
I think he actually enjoys this self empowerment because his tail wags frivolously and he smiles with his eyes squinting as he looks upward. I can almost hear his brain talking as he does his potty dance: “look what I can do..Look what I can do”.
I don’t mind this ritual now since the weather is getting warmer, but he started this practice during the height of subzero temperatures. I think he enjoyed imitating an arctic nomad wrapped in his own pelt fighting the frost. I think he believed he was the Yukon King sniffing out Dirty Dan some where in Canada.
Sergeant Preston of the Yukon was one of the many TV shows my mother planted my pre-school ass in front of instead of helping me form Play-Doh letters. I loved watching the rugged adventures of a weathered Mountie and his dog and horse surviving the wilderness solving all the problems of the Northwest Territory. All by themselves. All Sergeant Preston had was a smart Malamute dog and a horse named REX.
One episode had the Sergeant solving a murder and the only witness was a dog. Can you imagine that? Out in the vast frozen Yukon at the turn of the century and all he can attract is an abandoned dog? His malamute must have been in heat. More like Yukon Queen. I wonder if I were ever trapped somewhere if my puppy would try to rescue me as I yelled for help into his bobble head ears. Or would he respond much like he does to everything by running over to sniff whatever it is to pieces and then turn to chase a fleet of leaves.
I think the only thing Charly has in common with the Sergeant’s Malamute is the mute part. Anytime I call the dog it just falls on floppy deaf ears.I think Charly-dog hears me when I call and I think he chooses to ignore me. He likes to play tricks on me. He likes to curl up in a corner sunspot and lie there without making a sound watching me look for him throughout the entire house. He’s the same size and color of my son’s black & white back-pack which curls up in the same corner untouched for an entire weekend.
Menopause does strange things to your mind. Those missing hormones can play hide and seek with the optical department in your brain. I figured that out one time when my son asked me why I was offering a dog chew to his back-pack.
Spring is in the air and I think I’ll dye Charly’s fur to match the budding roses……..I highly doubt my son will tote a pink back pack….
spread the humor.
{August 31, 2011}
Sick as A Blog ( an earlier post..due to lack of inspiration…)
I have been informed by current dog owners (CDO’s) that it is important to get your new dog a “puppy check” a.s.a.p. I am a new puppy owner and have not owned a dog since childhood and apparently this is a check-up to verify if you have a healthy or sick dog. This “puppy check” will establish him with a Vetinarian to gain a history and secure his records. Hmm…. very similar to what I did when my kids were born, however, that was covered by insurance. My dog was a quasi rescue and did not come with any records. Maybe the Vet will conduct a back round check. I’ll have Charly-dog present a puppy print to be submitted to the canine data bank.
I did not grab the yellow pages and seek out an established Primary Vet right away, instead, I went the cheaper route and did a one stop shop at the local S.P.C.A to get his initial set of required shots. Also known as “The Clinic”. I have worked in the hospital environment and for all of you who work or have worked in a hospital environment; back then the word CLINIC meant: “Line ’em up, step right up, one ata time folks…get your shots here..hurry while they last..that’s right little lady don’t be shy, now serving number 187”: All accompanied by a waiting room full of the village people.
My 15 year old son accompanied me to the clinic clutching the pup close to his chest as if he were cradling a football and running for that 60 yard T.D.to get to the head of the Free Shot Line. We stood in line for over an hour along with other dogs all senior to our pup. My son tired of holding Charly-dog and decided to set our mongrel down to mingle with the pack, at the ripe old age of 7 weeks. Apparently my son missed the lecture in the car regarding immunities, vaccines, and death by Parvo!
The line moved slowly toward the table that dispensed the paperwork. They asked for my ID and the name of the dog and DOB.(date of birth). The pup was 7 weeks and was born sometime in July so I made my pre-calculous privately schooled teenage son do the math.
We were then escorted to another table ( the paying one) and gave our donation. We waited in line as I witnessed the Vet-du-jour give vaccines consecutively to all the dogs as he inched down the line without taking a breath. It came to our turn and I looked at our new puppy resting in my arms staring at me with those Margeret Keane eyes. My heart was pounding and I was near tears. I couldn’t watch as this fully Tattooed, braided pony-tailed with no credentials in view VET (?) approach my pup with a hypo from the 1950’s…….. I made my son do it.
It went so quickly and not one yelp from our puppy, not even a sniff. This master with a needle had a soft touch equipped with precision that didn’t even tussle a piece of fur. I was so impressed, I slipped the VET a twenty and mentioned that my son is due his tetanus soon and maybe he’s free on Tuesday……..
I may have spoke too soon; a few days later our pup came down with a doggie cold or as the professionals call it: kennel cough; and, as newbie owners and ignorant about puppy ailments, we did what responsible adults do…….dialed doggie 911.
It was a weekend and we did not do step one of new puppy ownership: Get Established With A Vet. So we had to go to an Emergency Vet Hospital, on a weekend, with an On Call Vetinarian….This visit cost nearly the same amount of money as a one nights stay at the Hilton with a spa package.
The Vet receptionist had us enter through the “sick pet door” where we were quarantined in a corner seat in the waiting area. We were greeted much like a regular hospital E.R.; as their initial instructions were:
“Please sign in and fill out this paperwork”.
Our puppy was lying listless in my lap and displaying shallow breathing. We have only owned this dog for seven weeks and I am presented by the receptionist at the Vet E.R. with a vibrant blue page to be filled out immediately. I mentioned to her that my dog will be the color of this form by the time I finish with this paperwork. She turned away smacking her gum to the tune of Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”……..
I noticed at the bottom of this Blue Page there were two options that required One mandatory check mark:
Option 1: ( short version) We will take the pet and do everything possible to save it costing you at the least $750.
Option 2: DNR.
I was hoping that DNR had a different meaning than the one used in People Hospitals. I was thinking that maybe Vet clinics had their own special vernacular and acronyms that pertained to animals, and that maybe their version of DNR meant something less devastating. Like:
Do Note-the Reading-material-while-you-wait……. or…..Dinner Needs Reheating… or…. Did-you Need-to-Rethink-this-puppy-thing?….
As it turned out our pup had a mild form of a kennel cough and just needed a dose of antibiotic and we didn’t need to go to Eddie Bauer in search of an oxygen pup- tent. Our little pupster came through with flying colors as I stayed curled up next to him throughout the night and day.
I know I inherited this mutt a mere seven weeks prior to his illness and my attachment to him was still in a foreign stage to me. I know I was riddled withguilt despair when I was faced with the decisions of those two options listed on the required Royal Page. I know that in those fatal few seconds in between my puppy’s breaths, thoughts flashed through my mind of various views before my pen decided to land in the blank box nestled near the bottom of the Bright blue Form. My mind was being coerced into choosing between an eight week weakling that I barely knew that could stiff me for a giant Vet bill or Do Nothing Right-now……
I know you are dying to know which option I chose…..
That is not an option………
spread the humor.
{August 13, 2011}
All Dressed Up and Nowhere To Blog
Well…I’m heading out West soon for a family wedding. This could either be a great time or a prelude to a Muppet’s reality show..
The trip started with my two kids , Sweetums and Scooter being yanked outta the airport security line and experiencing their first Pat Down. I ventured through the X-ray machine first followed by my son Scooter wearing his hipster cargo shorts that carry more compartments than a B757-200 freighter on it’s way back from China. Lagging behind donning her jewels of the Nile draped like Christmas lights, was my daughter Sweetums. I gave a pre- flight demonstration the night before we were to depart to the West explaining the list of; What Not To Wear when flying. My Coed daughter assumed this pertained to Mr. Blackwell’s list.
The first shiny badge to grab me was Fozzie Bear asking if I was the mother of young Scooter behind me. Three seconds of thought had my mind grabbing my items and race down the corridor to see if there was a solo seat left on any flight to Italy and enjoy the Tuscan sun, instead of joining the cast of characters that awaited our landing out West……
I conceded that he was my son and Fozzie said I needed to watch as they Pat Down my teen….with emphasis on his Cargo room. My son glared at me when I tried to suppress my grin as his six foot frame was experiencing the blue hand grope assisted by Grover. My son is a character all his own. He doesn’t need any help from anyone to produce a stand-up routine and gain attention from a crowd. It comes naturally to him. When Assistant Grover started the Pat Down procedure on Scooter with Fozzie Bear supervising, Scooter decided to give a low groan of “ohhh yeah….” just as Grover’s Blue paw passed the no FLY zone on his Cargo pants.
I shot my son a lightening stare of a cross between; “Just wait til I get my hands on you, and ,my God I’m going to burst out laughing“.
My daughter, Sweetum’s was snatched by Rizzo the Rat and thrown into a glass maze. I was made aware of this by the noise her colossal earrings made when they hit the side of her jaw as her head turned to find me. This sound proof booth was a check point for explosive residue. I watched as Rizzo nabbed an instrument and slowly swept Sweetum’s body with a Geiger counter spewing gusto as if it witnessed the aftermath of a day at Chernobyl.
I saw Sweetum’s leer at me with worried wonderment and I returned her gaze with a reassuring Cheshire grin through the looking glass. A smile that carried a bulletin of: Now do you get that mommie doesn’t just blow hot air through your auricles to land on deaf ear-lobes that dangle designer plastic hoops…..
We made it to the plane and my two darling puppets started to argue as to who will get the window seat. (As if it really mattered and they really wanted to view the geographic’s of our lovely globe.) They both spent the entire flight electronically connected to some type of computer generated apparatus. Scooter won the window seat lottery and viewed the whole flight via Ipad Navigator. Sweetum’s clung to a stuffed bear given to her by her absent boyfriend and plugged herself into her Ipod and lost herself in mood music.
I tried to flag down a frazzled flight attendant to order a bloody Mary and I was met with Miss Piggy pushing a beverage cart down the aisle and yelling at Steward Beaker to get more cups. Every time Miss Piggy turned to face a passenger someone sitting in the the aisle seat got a shot from the hip. At least it was a padded blow to the head. I jokingly asked her if she could remain standing there for the complete flight so I could have a head rest and grab some shut eye. My son laughed at that one.
We landed on the West and were being picked up by my older sister who I haven’t seen in years. She text me to describe her gold luxury 300G and said she would be getting us outside the baggage claim. My children and I grabbed our bags and rolled on out to the crowded arrival deck. We located a Gold Sporty SUV idling with a woman in the drivers seat staring straight ahead who resembled my sister. We all waived in unison to flag her down and approached her car smiling with glee and started to load our luggage into the back of her car. As I lifted the first suitcase we heard a honk from the car behind us and it was my sister; Foo-Foo.
Foo-Foo drove us to her lovely home on the water where we were to stay for a few days before we headed north to attend a family wedding of my brothers son. Foo-Foo, Sweetum’s, Scooter, and I enjoyed our time together until Foo-Foo’s husband, Oscar-the Grouch, came down with walking pneumonia and made our stay short lived. Foo-Foo ferried us to my mother’s (Camilla) place packed in her Luxury Gold SUV for a two hour ride to a charted island. There we would be met by the Skipper and Gilligan; a millionaire and his wife, the Professor AND Maryanne……….
We stayed between Camilla’s house and my Brother Elmo’s place at the beach house which harbored the likes of: The Swedish Chef concocting the most delectable treats roasted on Elmo’s Fire, Pops in his walker which was stolen and used as a wheelie- toy by great grandson Kermit. The cast of relatives included: Rowlf the Dog, Hogthrob, Dr. Teeth, gaffer, Various, Waldorf, Uncle deadly, Julius Strangepork, Floyd, Robin, Thog, Lew Zealan, Gonzo, Dr Bunsen Honeydew, Zoot, Muppy, Beauregard, Janice, Wanda, Hilda, Sam the Eagle, Statler, Wayne, Crazy Harry,Sue, Lips, Nigel, and, last but not least, Animal on drums. Most of whom began their day with beer and dough nuts and ended the night with fantastic stories which made you laugh until your stomach hurt. Each of whom could capture and carry the most renown version of Marty Robbin’s song of El Paso in the key of F (flat) to be sung all through the night in various locations in a sleepy town 78 miles north of the Emerald City.
The wedding was a smash hit especially with the Muppet clan singing El Paso as the Bride and Groom took their fateful walk down the aisle of Marriage into the reception hall. I loved this group of Muppet misfits and I am proud to have been a part of them during this glorious time. I didn’t know what to expect given the horror stories of family gatherings, but this by far was an unexpected pleasure and sheer Puppet mastery with no strings attached. Well, maybe with the exception of Crabby Patty resurfacing on shore trying to keep his claws out of the drink.
This was your Muppet News woman reporting……..spread the humor.
{July 23, 2011}
Some of the Best Laid Blogs
I am not a big planner in life. I admire those people that carry their life in the palm of their pocket. I tried to get inspired by those folks whose lives run on a PDA, but the best I can do is scribble notes on a giant desk calender and forget to look at it again. Or the important data I just documented has a mishap with my cappuccino and is now rendered illegible.
Oh, I have planned vacations and booked flights, but it’s really not me doing the arrangements, it’s the booking agent that gets all the credit. I know everything is handled through the information highway with precise technocality, but I am the person who downloads the material online while talking to the agent. I need the comfort of a human voice that responds back with semi-logic and a peppy emotion who entraps me to commit to a date and hand over my American Express card.
It seems that some of my best laid plans go awry no matter how methodically I manage to orchestrate them in my mind. For example: Last night I planned a great nights sleep with Charly dog nesting at my ankles and wake up refreshed and ready to prance off to the gym to endure a grueling workout sporting my matching Nike attire.
Instead….I woke up to a puddle of pee at the base of the bed.
My first inclination after I yanked the covers off was to replicate that memorable scene from the Godfather where the studio head discovers the horses noggin beneath the bedding.
But…. it was early and I didn’t want to wake the sleeping teens down the corridor for fear of being doused with attitude and rolling eyes; or..worse yet… I believe my quasi adult children may have listed a retirement community on their cell phones……s(pee)d dial…….
It did cross (what’s left of) my mind, that…well….er……did I have and accidental accident???
I know I’m in the drones of menopause and plumbing issues are near the top of the list of things that go bump in the night. I did under go a surgical procedure a few years ago that was performed by a robot harboring arms like a giant spider which has the same name of the artist who painted The Last Supper, and looked as though it was assembled at NASA. This was a procedure that was less invasive and could be executed in under two hours. That is, if there are no complications. Mine lasted five hours because the commander at the controls ripped a hole in my bladder which resulted in a 911 call to an in-House specialist. So, needless to say, that morning I thought I had sprung a leak.
As I toppled out of bed and began to figure out a way to wake my husband and break the news to him that I just might be a victim of the Depends generation I realized:
Maybe it’s time to wake up and smell the urine. No more sailing that sea of denial that age and women don’t mix well in certain genres. Might as well face the future and take it with a grain of cotton and imported materials with a flexible waistline……………
……..and that an over-sized puffy pant, while moderately absorbent and locks in odors, may be replacing my Pink Victoria Secret Lacy Wonder Scanty Panty.
As I climbed off the California King (mattress) my foot touched a breathing furry object semi cowered under the bed. There lie Charly-dog staring at me with guilty big round eyes and shaking as if he were stuck in a winter storm without his coat. He glared with the kind of eyes you see in a Keane painting that boarder on cuteness and crazy. I noticed a dotted trail of pee that flowed in his direction and it didn’t take the Dream Team to figure who the culprit was in this voiding crime. I’m surprised my pup didn’t grab my husbands Bruno Magli’s and leave and imprint in the carpet…..
I was angry at the dog and wanted to reprimand him for the dirty deed that happened during my REM slumber, but I didn’t get mad at Charly for his incidental accident on my dry clean only comforter. I turned my anger into elation because it wasn’t me that suffered the indiscriminate incontinence…… it was my pup.
Oh Halleluja and pass the menopausal plate! I have branded another age defying dilemma and will Prevail with Dignity-plus a Nu-Fit on age that Depends on the Tranquility that life can Pull-Up.
I picked up my shivering puppy and held him tight and whispered in his bobble head that “everything will be O.K”.
Tonight my Plan is to take a Brief interlude and turn a Puppy-Pad into a Huggies Overnite…oh..and..delete the retirement center’s number on my kids cell phones…
spread the humor.
{June 22, 2011}
Blog Your Brains Out
Let’s talk friendship(s). My father use to say to me that in your life time you can count on one hand the people that are truly your friends……Excluding family of course,……. Oh phew….there were probably a lot of fingers flying about within the Von Trapp household….
I think it has to do with how many lives you have touched along the way, I mean touched in a way that has left an indelible mark of remembrance. My dad also mentioned that you can spark a good presence by the number of attendees at your funeral. I don’t know how that got calculated being that one is not Soul(y) present to witness the guest book signatures, and I don’t know if that really holds true if it is based on the total sum of the crowd. If a high profile figure is laid to rest in a Hollywood cemetery and draws thousands of onlookers, is that anymore redeeming than an unknown soldier. Does that signify that the “star” of the show touched more viewers through their celluloid hands than one figure who stood alone and gave a life for freedom?
I dunno….let me think……. did a major pop icon who allegedly overdosed on a controlled substance injected by a member of the AMA……….touch my life in a way that I should consider him one of my candidates for my Friendship hand? Nope.
Did some brave unknown soul who fought for our country and died while doing so to protect our country,…. did they touch my life and are they a candidate for my friendship hand? Possibly.
The “Star” provided entertainment which we pay for whether we like the entertainment or not. The venue of this art was provided for our listening and viewing pleasure. There were a lot of passer-bys at this funeral who stood crying how much their life had been touched by this person.
I’m sorry, but that Peter Pan was so out of reach he barricaded himself behind a gate in order to never land too close to the public. The only time he reached out his white glove was Pay-day after the concert. Don’t get me wrong, I like music, artists, and entertainment, my position lays resting on the point my father made regarding “touching lives” and “true friends” in ones’ life.
I mean think about it….All the folks that visited the final resting place of an Iconic Hollywood star may have felt an intense affinity to this person, but in all honesty…would this person reciprocate even if they could? I hardly doubt that the King of Pop would phone me up to come over for a Bar-B-Q at his ranch, or call one night to chat about recipes……. I can’t imagine The Gloved One would throw down his gauntlet and post bail for an unknown or possibly donate what is left of his liver……Oh, but I digress………….
My father also said to keep your enemies close and family is your true friend. That is true to a point. I have a sister who once stole my boyfriend away from me behind my back. It was hurtful and I lost my trust in her, yet to this day we still talk. Do I trust her? ..Nope. Do I keep her close?…um..Yep.
I have had hundreds of friends and acquaintances throughout my life and as I slowly ( and I do mean slowly) fight,…er..I mean..face my golden years, I now find my friendship ring diminishing down to two hands and one foot. (I think my father never took the other appendages into account). I find myself becoming highly selective on who I want around me with whatever time is left on this planet. I do not have an opening for people that are not relative to my standards of what I consider a friendship to be.
I have a few incredible friends that I could call in the middle of the night and rant about the perils of parenting without repercussion and judgement. These are folks that would bail me out of any situation with no questions asked and ask nothing in return for their favors. These are people that would never leave you stranded and stand by me through outlandish circumstances….no holds barred. These are friends that ask for nothing yet I give them everything, just because they are friends. These are friends that have engaged in minor battles and yet we manage to come out without a scrape and find ourselves laughing at the tomfoolery over a Tom Collins. These are people I tattoo on my friendship hand.
I guess standards of friendship vary amongst people, and maybe mine are highly idealistic, but I find when I don’t keep to my “code” some people just take advantage of you. Do I like that?…Nope. Do I change that?…Yep.
That’s the beauty of aging and harbor hormones that get in the way….I don’t have time for people in wolf’s clothing. (Well maybe I’d take some time to speak with a Blitzer in a Navy wool Blazer about a situation). I will not have a friend just for friends sake, I like a valued individual with some depth and character and not centered on themselves for entertainment.
The group of faces on my fingertips are imbedded indelibly on my friendship hand and I am honored to be able to reach out and touch their lives as much as they have stroked mine. Do I like that? Yep. Do I want to change that? Nope.
I have now passed on to my children the Handy words of wisdom from my father regarding friends and they reacted as I did when I thought I was immortal, only they think of friends in terms of acronym’s like; BFF and BFLS and TTYL….etc.
I guess their access of ridding unwanted friendships is at the touch of the hand and reaching for the DELETE button……..
well that was easy……..
spread the humor.
{June 14, 2011}
Blog’s In The Belfry
I woke up this morning with a horses head in my bed. I didn’t find myself reacting like Jack Woltz from the Godfather did , who arose in his Egyptian cotton sheets next to his prized Khartoun screaming bloody murder; I woke up with a two inch stuffed head of a Seabiscuit pencil topper dangling by one reign over my face repetitiously neighing: “I’m a little pony” in the same tone that emanates from the Chucky Doll when the batteries are dying…….
Charly-dog brought this Child’s Play to my attention at 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday. I don’t know how he got his canines on a souvenir from a Bat Mitzvah that we attended eight years ago. I don’t know what possessed him to share his discovery with me at the break of dawn, but I do know that there have been many attempts made on my life brought about by my pooch, and maybe this is some kind of final warning……
Maybe it’s a symbol or a for -shadowing of what lies a HEAD on the floor below for me to trip over -and break my neck. Like maybe the pencil end that held the plush memento where an eraser should’ve been……..
I tried to get my dog to relinquish this token of affection(?) that brought back scenes form a 1972 classic, but he held onto it tighter than the Great White clenching onto Chrissie Watkins legs in the opening scene of Jaws. Not even the Jaws of Life would be able to free that stuffed stallion from my dog’s choppers.
My dog Charly, followed me throughout the house carrying that faux foal head around with his jowls seeping saliva that is soaking onto the drool resistant carpet. I know he harbors a subliminal message somewhere under that bobble head of his while he clenches that colt between his Sublingual gland.
I was determined to not let this dog intimidate me into spending the morning worrying about his ulterior motives brought about with his prized possession. He was not going to drive me crazy in thoughts about his future ploys with that stuffed toy head. No way, I am just going to set my chair to the recliner mode and conduct a self Rorschach Test with the cloud formations in the sky until Charly stops grinning at me with that furry fabric stuck in his teeth.
While I was retreating in the back yard reading the Sports page and sipping my coffee, , Charly decided to drop Mr. Ed’s head into my cup of Joe. It took a while to fish him out because a Palomino is hard to locate when you take cream in your coffee……..
Maybe Charly-dog is trying to give me a “Heads up” and pick the winner of the Belmont Stakes…..Maybe Charly is able to channel predictions, and just maybe he is able to label winners. (Although, I don’t recall seeing “Made-in-China“, followed by “Press Here for Sound“, and “Inspected by No. 9“, all winning by a stuffed nose in the Kentucky Derby. I mean, what would be the odds of that?)
I am not a gambling person but if my dog can predict a winner of a Major Horse race I just might have to capitalize on it.
This toy bronco brain that my dog introduced into my bed this morning might be a message of some other nature. Maybe it’s a clue telling me to be on the lookout for the rest of the Horse that could be logistically placed in harms way. Maybe it’s a sign from the clutter- god that my daughters room needs to be excavated again. Maybe the act of a pet pooch offering up a petite padded pony’s head lodged between his lips takes on a symbolic meaning of a deeper fashion.
Maybe he’s trying to tell me that heads will roll if his dog dish is not filled promptly by seven.
Maybe he knows I switched his Flea & Tick remedy to a cheaper brand and he’s looking for retaliation.
Maybe I should stop letting him stay up and watch re-runs on the classic movie channel and just stick to viewing the Dog Whisperer where Charly can enjoy seeing Pit-Bulls rip the heads off of Chi-hua-hua mixed breeds…..
(uh-oh…..now I know where “drop the My little Pony head in my bed” idea came from….)…
{June 10, 2011}
The Biological Blog is Ticking
My daughter will be off to her “sleep-a-way” college very soon and I am having a real push-me-pull-you sensation circling my being with regards to her being an absentee family member at the dinner table.
It’s amazing how fast time flies when you’re raising children.
Running a close second is my son who will be gone in another year, which leaves just me, a husband, and a crazy dog. Coming in third is my traveling husband who checks into this House Hotel periodically and has check-out by 11. So, inevitably I am left with just me dining with Charly-dog sharing our kibble-n-bits and picking on a bone or two….
I suppose confronting an empty nest syndrome could cause one to feel slightly deserted and leaving one to feel alone to combat that empty feeling rising in your stomach, but actually, it’s last nights dessert followed by a gastric flare-up that’s creating the fuss. And you thought I was going to wallow in lonely abandonment and cry over Spilt Vintage Port…….
Having the place all to myself??? I say…Halleluja and pass the Pinot Grigio……Sweet freedom…..I can’t think of what I want to do first: Sleep til noon or Kennel the canine and shop-drop-and -roll into a SPA…….without family interruptus.
Just think of the exhilarating feeling of not getting that emergency call of: “I forgot my English paper that I left curled up at the bottom of my bed that’s due today,” while you’re in the middle of a shower that was already scheduled for an earlier time…..
Or the incredible lightness of being inside your purse that no longer carries the contents of a beloved family members lost possessions…..
Imagine not having to try to cook for four, in addition to their last minute friends that may bombard your kitchen promptly at 6pm. Which leads you to hop in the car and rush to the grocery to buy more food, but as you start the car it’s low on gas because the other family drivers never load the tank, so now there is an unscheduled stop to fill up. Which, when you are grabbing the car that your daughter inhabits, you nearly have a head-on because you are fighting off a pile of college clothes in the passenger seat causing an avalanche of underwear to flow onto your lap.
Imagine not having to engage in banter about: “How come I can’t go the Marilyn Manson concert by myself, I’m 15 you know……:.” . (yeah I know…, I was there when you were born…remember?).
Ohhh..I dunno….something about that guys(?) LAST name that bothers me, being that I was around during the Helter Skelter years….
Lately, my son and I have been having a communication breakdown. I think it has to do with an increase in his hormones and a withering away of mine. We are currently amidst a clash of the mighty testosterone-Titans. He wants his Friday night lights to be continually burning while my dimming levels are suffering a low AC/DC output leaving me longing to lounge into Sunday morning.
My son accused me of not being “cool” and never having any” fun” and that irritated me because FUN use to be my middle name. Fun is part of FUNny, which I use to be before my children were born and Worry seem to take funny’s place.
This poor teenage lad thinks his mother was Born This Way. He thinks when I plopped out of the womb I immediately set up shop in a household full of responsibility waving a Clorox wipe to rid all the dust that has been collecting in the ancient corners of my life.
Sometimes you have to drop that parental facade of setting a good example and let that little offspring have a piece of your life as you knew it…..or remember it……
My son exclaimed that I don’t let him have any fun. This statement is based solely on the premise that I won’t let him go to a RAVE party that mixes thousands of unknowns from around a tri-state area and continues on into the night lasting an eternity…..
He mumbled to me that Everyone is going.
I asked him to give me the names of Everyone; I’d like to check with Everyone’s parents. I don’t recall ever meeting the Everyone Family, and maybe I need to check the school Roster for Everyone’s address and phone number. Maybe Everyone’s Parents are available for dinner sometime…..(I’ll make sure Everyone is there).
This is where we both reach Moot hormone point…….
Then he hammered in a closing statement: “I could lie about it and say I’m going somewhere else and spend the night with a friend, instead….”.( 23K spent on tuition and he ends his clause with an adverb…..).
“Well”..(you smarty teen who thinks he just closed the justice doors on me…) “I guess I would know your lying to me”.
“How?” He smirks, as if he holds the secret to life. ( Which I gave to him, by the way...).
“Well”……..(you know it all teen who couldn’t see a Mac truck breezing in front of your Ipod clad ears):
“You just TOLD me….sooooo…….go on………ask me now if you can spend the night at a friends house…..”.
I sat my son down and explained to him about the repercussions of a lie. No, I didn’t go into a fancy parable like my parents use to do and infer references that included Pincochio, Instead , I decided to take another twist and give my son a little Flava-Flav of my own accolade of life with my parents. I told him I too told my folks I was Spending the night at a friends house when I was his age because my parents wouldn’t let me attend a concert:
“But son”, I said with great urgency and glowing remembrance; “this was no ordinary concert, this was a Rock Festival in the late sixties that resembled a mini Woodstock which you are now studying in your History book along with Vietnam, LSD, and Sqeaky Fromme’s red sweat shirt”.
“Son”, I continued, (as if I were there now, three feet away from Jim Morrison crooning “Light My Fire” through his three weeks growth of beard):
“This was a Pop Festival in the summer of ’69 when tickets were $6 and the featured headliners were the legends of: The Doors, Ike and Tina Turner, Country Joe and the Fish, Joe Cocker, Bo Didly, Led Zepplin, Alice Cooper, Santana…and Chicago…..”.
(These bands were escaping my palate with all the excitability a fifty-something mother stuck in a time warp could muster….yet trying to keep her parental controls in check….)
“Son, this was two days of reckless existence and FUN nights rolled into a day of recovery………which, when I got caught in my lie , nearly cost me a one way ticket to an all girls Catholic school in Canada, thousands of miles away from my friends, where I would be forced to wear Maroon Knee-highs for Identification purposes only….”.
“Son, if you want to LIE to me and then get caught, (and you will get caught) ….(we live in a small rural town), please make sure that whatever story you concoct in that under developed teen brain of yours, is for a worthy cause…….like something that has gone down in History………..”.
“Attending an over sized party of punks that is hosting a Dee-Jay who scratches vinyl records for a living is nothing to RAVE about to your children…”.
(It was soon after my total recall rant that my Coed daughter decided to chime in and eradicate her life of missing concerts, which started the dog barking and dinner was burning…).
Maybe I won’t miss the tete-a-tete’s that bring my blood sugar to a boiling point, but I do know I’ll miss the presence of my children at my dinner table. Sometimes letting a little of your past leak out can mark your place on the “teenage map” of life and put you on the “cool Mom’s” continent.
And, Sometimes, you just have to concede and curl up with the dog and wait until they come back home for well missed dinner……..
{June 5, 2011}
Blog Agility (earlier post)
If you are reading this blog AND you find it clever or funny please comment. I need the feedback or otherwise I am wasting my Megabytes. Speaking of mega-bites, my puppy is still snapping even after two weeks of guaranteed training. I don’t blame the Trainer , I blame my family who are lacking in the follow-up program arena.
My scheduled training of two weeks ended recently and I feel a bit empty inside. Charly-dog and I got use to the trainers 10 a.m. visits and it is hard to let go now. This trainer came into our lives and spent hours with each and every member of my family and worked with all of us as a whole to get Charly on track. I am starting to have a small tinge of anxiety that once he is out of our lives for good, things will resort to the way they were. The trainer did drop an anecdote while sipping his bottled water, that being ;if any “uprisings” occur he will be here on the spot, and this is guaranteed forever.
Hmm.…. I could always find some fault somewhere in my puppy that might need tending to; maybe stage a scene or two…….kind of like the little boy crying wolf, only it’s a middle aged menopausal woman needing someone to talk to other than her doggie…..
I find as I am getting older and less tolerant of my estrogen levels, that letting go is becoming harder and harder. I took my son to the airport to catch a flight from Philadelphia to Los Angeles. He has been bugging me to let him fly out to see his best friend ever since we moved out to the East Coast. My children have traveled extensively since they were born, but never without me in tow. I have this phobia about my children on planes without me, what if something happens to that plane; what if there is an outbreak on board of food poisoning from stale pretzel’s; what if there’s an emergency landing in a Delta swamp; what if they have snakes on board……or worse yet , Samuel L Jackson is pushing the beverage cart………”I’ve had it with these Mother F*ckin’ Pepsi’s on this Mother F*ckin’ plane…..coffee? Tea?….”
My son is 16 and does not qualify for the “unaccompanied child Airline escort” anymore. Plus, there is a $100 hidden fee for this “Program”. It must fall in line with the “Meal Program” and the “Luggage Program”. Personally I think they should wave this amount for first time moms letting their youngster fly solo and traipsing through Major City airports spending all their allowance on nonsense that is flagged out in the open Kiosks. ( Oh , yes son, I love the $50 neck snuggie you purchased to keep you comfortable during your flight that you left on board and is now on its way to Hong Kong where it originated from).
My sons flight was delayed over an hour from his connecting flight. I have a party retrieving him at the baggage claim terminal and they phoned to inform me that his flight was going to be late. I got nervous. I phoned the Major Airline that starts with a “D” and has been around since the Nixon administration, to find out more information about his flight. The “D” Agent confirmed that it was delayed twice, out of Atlanta.
I spat out; “TWICE?”.
“Yes”,( he said with an accent that was identical to the driver in the second Indiana Jones Movie).
I interrupted his silence with a very loud “WHY TWICE?”.
He enlightened me with the explanation that the first delay was a security issue.
(Oh great, glow snakes in a Plane Pocket..)
AND THE SECOND DELAY?
“Was a maintenance problem”.
I questioned him further on the maintenance problem and he laughed and told me:
” Well the plane is in the air now”.
Oh thank God, that is so reassuring, I am so thrilled, oh, and I feel so relieved and unconcerned that that plane is in the air now! How about the landing??? Please tell me the maintenance problem was a toilet that wouldn’t stop flushing or the Captain’s coffee pot heater light keeps blinking, or the food cart has a rusty wheel…………
I popped open a Dos Equis and brought up my sons Itinerary and started to track his flight on my Macbook like a Pro. I love technology, it’s almost like being in the control tower yourself, minus all the other distractions, like ten million OTHER flights trying to take off and land. I went into the “D” Airline WEB site and typed his flight number and it showed a map of the U.S. with a little yellow airplane following a bright blue line to his destination. I felt a little more at ease and managed to breath a little easier…………..
Until this little yellow plane started a nose dive over Arizona….
The time left on his flight was an hour and a half and the meter was not moving, nor was the tiny yellow plane that I was watching for twenty minutes without blinking…
That little mustard piper cub was not advancing on my screen and I was having the most horrible images run through my mind. Images of a black smoke plume smoldering from seat 11B because I thought I had confiscated all the fireworks my son wanted to share with his friend in California. Where they are illegal.….. And maybe, just maybe, he sequestered a box of black Snake Glow worms that he stuck in his back pocket. I was a flight attendant once and have witnessed plight flights that brought me to my knees saying a few Hail Mary’s while pouring a few Bloody Mary’s……anything’s possible.
I shut the laptop off and logged back on to the “D” website to commence with stalking my sons flight. His fake plane kept stalling in the air until I clicked the refresh button so it would advance faster to LAX airport. In a matter of seconds that little yellow cartoon 757 was now starting it’s descent into Los Angeles with it’s nose in the air and landing in 22 minutes……..Funny if I keep clicking the Back Button that plane just might land on time.
My son loves being independent and Hates that his mother texted him thirteen times before he even left the ground. I can’t wait to tell him about the tracking device….I wonder if they have that for everything…like when he starts driving or is out with his friends at a movie, or maybe, just maybe…on a date.
Yes I love technology it helps a mom sleep at night…….and you thought Big Brother was watching……………hellooo Big Mother……..
{June 4, 2011}
To Drop a blog in One’s Ear…
