Laundry is a lonely world in my house. It sits and compiles like a garbage dump site. The only thing missing from this mountainous scene are the seagulls hovering about looking for a morsel. That would explain the missing socks. No one wants to acknowledge the hamper overflowing like a volcano looming over the Bay of Naples. No one wants to flock to the Whirlpool that awaits its daily meal of detergent and fabric softener…………. except me.
Oh, my family members know how to run the washer and dryer, and they know how to find the necessary materials to help the machines do their dooty. They just turn a blind eye to the domestic scene. The collegiate sector of this household have been away and forced to launder their garments. They know. They know how it ALL works. They know how to do laundry when their hands are TIDE(d). To them, this agonizing chore is nothing to CHEER about. They would sooner I WISK this tedious deed out of their idle Summer Break hands and move the SUN & EARTH for the cause, but there would be nothing to GAIN with that METHOD.
My kids need a FRESH START and BOUNCE back from this SNUGGLE(y)ERA of mom will FINISH the XTRA load. If you catch my DREFT.
OK, let me clean up this abrasive jargon and scour the real reason I’m venting through a clogged filter…..
HOW can people living in your house not SEE the assortment of attire strewn about their rooms as if it’s been washed ashore by a Designer Tsunami. How…
I own Machinery that talks to you. My General Electric’s are equipped with bells and whistles that continually chime until someone gets off their keister to turn the dryer off. It is an intermittent “beep” that starts out long and loud then silences itself for a few nano seconds only to take a breather to start up again with a two minute warning that the “LOAD IS NOW FINISHED, COME GET ME OUT!”.
I am thinking of contacting the Heads of General Electric and share my ingenious idea of my version of a talking washer and dryer. A new twist on Smart Appliances.
It would be programmed for different members of my household who happen to be lurking in the hallways with headsets on listening to their Electronic du Jour. I would ask that GE make it a wireless unit that is capable of breaking into their leisurely head banging music. Kind of like an Airline Captain who interrupts your inflight movie to describe the Colorado Mountains. You know that inopportune time……when the twist comes into the flick or that long awaited punch line…..the Deus ex Machina. Or MACHINE(a) . There you are, engulfed at the end of the Departed when Matt Damon gets shot and groceries drop to the ground while the camera pans to a bootie covered foot, and your eyes are glued to the screen, and just as you are about to see the culprit the Captain breaks in with his weather update.
THAT’S what I want my GE laundry machines to do. I want the Washer and Dryer to penetrate my sons Ipod in the middle of his hit Itune with sporadic statements reminding him to take the wet load out of the washer and put it in the dryer. It would be my voice invading his wireless “hood”:
“Good afternoon son, hope you are enjoying your day, we have reached an altitude of five feet of laundry blocking the entrance to your room and it looks like there could be a delay in obtaining clean clothing for that special date tonight. So sit back, relax, and ENJOY your smelly clothes…..”.
And if my son ignores the command he will be met with periodic follow-ups of reminders. Every two minutes.
The Washer will start out speaking in ultra soft tones, maybe add a personal touch and call him by name, then if he is still oblivious to a directive, the Dryer will then kick in with harsher attributes:
Dryer: ” Son, I don’t think you want to ignore the washer. Remember what happened last time, you forgot about your Ipod in your jeans pocket and left the wet laundry in there for two days to ferment….oohhh..your Mama was mad…”.
This will become cyclic and programmed into all his electronics. There will be no escaping the demands to get the laundry completed in a timely manner. I will instruct General Electric and Whirlpool to use my voice as the prompt.
In fact, I have decided to install wireless Mother Voice commands throughout the house. They will be implanted throughout. I will have the alerts activate upon entrance. They will be individually formatted for each member of the household who have been pooh-poohing the Matriarch of this family…..:
1) “Kindly remove your muddy soccer cleats at the door”
2)”Your wallet and keys are on the counter where you leave them every night”
3) ” NO, I did not take your lip gloss, it is buried under your make-up pile spilling onto your dresser”
4) “Could ONE of you please take the dog out for a walk?” ( I would program that one into the couch facing the TV).
5) ” If you are standing and staring into an open refrigerator with one arm hanging on the door looking for something to eat that isn’t there…….close the damn door!”
Yes, I think this could work. I think I will work on General Electric to do this for me. Then I will approach Apple next to send numerous Texts of Motherly Instructions that get overlooked.
What…..you don’t think they will take me SIRIously?
spread the humor.