My son is home for the Holidays and I will say, he never ceases to amaze me with the way his brain is wired. I know his 19 year old intellect is still under construction and my crossing the yellow caution tape may lead to a hazard zone equipped with sink holes invading his infrastructure……but I continue to plow aHEAD as I bear witness to his teen logic.
Case in point: Since birth I have been privy to my sons underclothes all the way from his training pants to his XL Joe Boxers. I have had this privilege not only as his mother doing his laundry, but also as a spectator during his youth. I watched as he frantically raced down the stairs in his T-shirt and Power Ranger panties looking for something he urgently needed; like a small grey lego piece he left on the carpet over night that may or may not have been devoured by my vacuum. OR ..fast forward to the present: His collegiate six foot frame harboring size 13 bare feet flapping down steps in search of his treasured cell phone lost in the couch cushions, wearing only his Christmas Boxers featuring Santa holding a Heineken. My how the years breeze past us, from briefs to boxers is how I now measure my sons growth……..and maturity level.
It’s amazing what shows up when ready for prime time teens are independent and shop for their own clothing after they enroll in college. Possibly spending their college fund on seasonal items that cover their private areas and lay hidden beneath their worn denims only to surface when they bring their laundry home for the holidays. It’s amazing the barrage of unmentionables I happen upon publicizing clever jingles across their buttocks region, such as; “Santa, Where’s My Ho’s?”. OR, how about the ones with the red and green ornaments spread over the fly area touting: ” Like My Balls?”. Oh how I miss those Sesame Street days when it was a Muppet dominating the BVD empire and little fannies everywhere tooted Gonzo’s trumpet from behind….
Oh but I digress.
My son brought his Christmas break laundry home and nestled on top peaking out from under some crusty towels sat a lonely pair of white Briefs. I asked my son as to when he switched his undergarments from boxers to briefs, and then proceeded to expound on how Calvin Klein will have to decrease the Font size in order to encrypt their Holiday magic across those “whitey-tighty’s”. Looks like there might be just enough space in the front to photo shop in one of Santa’s helpers. “Nothing comes between me and my Calvins”. How can it? There’s no room.
My son didn’t laugh. He merely explained how he “bought the wrong kind”, and he was looking for the new and improved Euro slim fit hipster comfy-style entitled:”Boxer -Briefs”.
Boxer-Briefs: The oxy-moron of the underpants world.
“Bought the wrong kind”: The moron who neglected to read the packaging and fell victim to the buy -one -get -one- free syndrome who is now stuck with eight pairs of Calvin Klein’s never to be worn again mini-briefs at $19.50 a pair. Guess who will be comfy in his hipster briefs sitting in the school cafeteria with no money to eat……
My plan was to donate the items and write off the mistake. However..
One Sunday afternoon the temperatures in our area registered just above freezing and while I was carrying the laundry basket down to the laundry room I notice my son jolting out of his room wearing a short sleeve T-shirt with an NFL logo scrolled across his chest accompanied by knee length soccer shorts, and in bare feet. He flashed past me beating me to the laundry room. He stuck his lengthy arm into the core of his piled clothing and tore out a white cotton crumpled mass and held it high in his palm, and yelled, “YESss!”.
I said: “Son, that is the whitey-tighty error – in -judgement you are now holding. Why did you just fish that pair out from the rest of your laundry and hold it up to the underwear god in praise?; and, why are you dressed like you are vacationing in Hawaii when it’s sub-zero degrees in Pennsylvania?”.
” It’s game day and these are my lucky clothes. Every time I wear this my NFL team wins”.
And the Mini-Briefs?
“Those are included in my lucky clothes, they complete me”.
Here’s hoping they make the play-offs….you have seven more pairs upstairs….
There are, I’m sure, powerful new technologies to track a 19 year old’s development to investigate their brain functions and connections. When they are connecting. And I’m sure this research will reveal factors that impact a teens behavior that might provoke vulnerabilities and cause an erupt purchase of “the wrong kind” of underwear to only be worn on Game Day at $19.50 at pair. I know that during the formative years there is a decline in volume of grey matter, which I found out, is necessary for maturation, however, I did read that a turn around happens in their early 20’s, and one of the Hallmark’s of this turn in behavior is the ability to “Plan aHEAD”……
even if your sons “Plan aHEAD ” may be Brief(s)….
spread the humor.