“It’s raining…..It’s pouring…..my husband won’t stop snoring……He went to bed…turned his head…and I kicked him out this morning”….
I know snoring is no laughing matter, especially to the other person occupying the the right side of the bed who can’t sleep, due to the massive logs being sawed next to her…more like a buzz saw emanating from those nostrils. How does this rhythmic rhino sleep through his own band of breaths. How does he manage to open the floodgates of an airway to bring in ‘da Funk, bring in ‘da Nose….relentlessly causing him to not Breath Right. This is nothing to sneeze at.
The only semi cure to calm his turbulent turbinates is to roll him on his side so his schnoz is facing East. If he is resistant to that change in venue and chooses to remain on his back pausing to inhale; he will face the pillow of doom hovering over his face as he’s Waiting to Exhale.
I tried that once. It was a mere threat…..in jesture . My recidivist snore hog (snog) awoke to the Scent of a Woman who uses too much fru-fru fabric softener in the laundry, so he hurled a ginormous sneeze onto the pillow case:
“Were you holding a pillow over my face?”…..he asks Eyes Wide Shut incrusted with sleep particles.
“No, darling, you were dreaming.”….she coos, replacing the deformed microfoam to the head of the bed…for Her Eyes Only.
“You were holding a pillow over my head thinking to smother me with down feathers,”…he smirks with laughing Eyes.
“Don’t be Batt(y) sweet heart, that material contains too much airspace, if I truly wanted to off you I’d use the fiber- filled decorative throw pillows; everyone knows Polyester doesn’t breath”.
“So..you were trying to kill me in my sleep.” ….He spills out trying to suppress laughter.
“Not exactly honey -pie, it was more like adding a muffler to your mouth piece. You’re snoring”.
“I don’t snore.”..he deniably stated looking through the eyes behind his head.
(Oh..that’s right, how could you possibly hear yourself snore over the the clamor emitting from your palate as you lie there in your sleep number coma, oblivious to the affect is has on your neighboring bed mate. She beamed through her Betty Davis Eyes….).
That was the last time I tried the Muffle effect.
My next approach was during a visit out west staying with relatives and I tried the Extended- Arm -Prop- to -the -back technique. This enables your snog to remain on his side for the night, quieting the rumbling gasps; however, it will leave you Sleepless in Seattle with an Achy Breaky Arm in the morning. One night I chose to use the retractable-limb method: Once your snore victim (snortims) is on his side, your arm repeatedly jumps out into action with the slightest inkling of him turning onto his back. Sometimes this method calls for two arms to be utilized as you are dealing with unconscious weight. Weight that has been tipping the scales of late night snacking. There are repercussions when using this tactic, especially if you work out at the gym three to four days a week, as my husband once fell victim to the floor:
“You pushed me out of bed?”, he blew out after the THUD landing.
“No darling, you were dreaming”,...she winces, eyes squinting in guilt.
“You could have killed me”, he puffs out.
“No sweetums, the chili peppers you loaded onto your late night burrito will kill you, thus the THUD when you hit the carpet, I was merely administering a minor love tap to your back helping the jalapeno’s adjust”, she quips as her eyes search for a Eurythmic’s lyric….
“Would I Lie to you honey?…..ok..ok….you were snoring.”
“I don’t snore”, he freely denies …again…
This lead me to my third and final modus operandi: Which is a full proof formula so easy a dog could master it. This ritual not only works but will provide your slumbering snog the body of evidence that which he is being accused of: Disturbing the Peace(ful) sleeping wife:
I video taped him.
I filmed him in all his snore glory.
I showed him my presentation after I jiggled him awake. Just try and deny the snoring now my little sweet apnea…
“You filmed me sleeping?”, he says as as his Eyes roll to the Heavens.
“Yes, pumpkin, now there is no confusion as to your snoring or not. Here you are, In Living Color, lying on your back, breathing and expiring the snuffle shuffle through your nose to the tune of She Drives Me Crazy”.
“So what do you have to say now Mr. I Don’t Snore?”.( Her EYES have it!).
“THAT’S NOT ME”,….rolls over….fade to black..
(EYE GIVE UP!)