Laundry is a lonely world in my house. It sits and compiles like a garbage dump site. The only thing missing from this mountainous scene are the seagulls hovering about looking for a morsel. That would explain the missing socks. No one wants to acknowledge the hamper overflowing like a volcano looming over the Bay of Naples. No one wants to flock to the Whirlpool that awaits its daily meal of detergent and fabric softener…………. except me.
Oh, my family members know how to run the washer and dryer, and they know how to find the necessary materials to help the machines do their dooty. They just turn a blind eye to the domestic scene. The collegiate sector of this household have been away and forced to launder their garments. They know. They know how it ALL works. They know how to do laundry when their hands are TIDE(d). To them, this agonizing chore is nothing to CHEER about. They would sooner I WISK this tedious deed out of their idle Summer Break hands and move the SUN & EARTH for the cause, but there would be nothing to GAIN with that METHOD.
My kids need a FRESH START and BOUNCE back from this SNUGGLE(y)ERA of mom will FINISH the XTRA load. If you catch my DREFT.
OK, let me clean up this abrasive jargon and scour the real reason I’m venting through a clogged filter…..
HOW can people living in your house not SEE the assortment of attire strewn about their rooms as if it’s been washed ashore by a Designer Tsunami. How…
I own Machinery that talks to you. My General Electric’s are equipped with bells and whistles that continually chime until someone gets off their keister to turn the dryer off. It is an intermittent “beep” that starts out long and loud then silences itself for a few nano seconds only to take a breather to start up again with a two minute warning that the “LOAD IS NOW FINISHED, COME GET ME OUT!”.
I am thinking of contacting the Heads of General Electric and share my ingenious idea of my version of a talking washer and dryer. A new twist on Smart Appliances.
It would be programmed for different members of my household who happen to be lurking in the hallways with headsets on listening to their Electronic du Jour. I would ask that GE make it a wireless unit that is capable of breaking into their leisurely head banging music. Kind of like an Airline Captain who interrupts your inflight movie to describe the Colorado Mountains. You know that inopportune time……when the twist comes into the flick or that long awaited punch line…..the Deus ex Machina. Or MACHINE(a) . There you are, engulfed at the end of the Departed when Matt Damon gets shot and groceries drop to the ground while the camera pans to a bootie covered foot, and your eyes are glued to the screen, and just as you are about to see the culprit the Captain breaks in with his weather update.
THAT’S what I want my GE laundry machines to do. I want the Washer and Dryer to penetrate my sons Ipod in the middle of his hit Itune with sporadic statements reminding him to take the wet load out of the washer and put it in the dryer. It would be my voice invading his wireless “hood”:
“Good afternoon son, hope you are enjoying your day, we have reached an altitude of five feet of laundry blocking the entrance to your room and it looks like there could be a delay in obtaining clean clothing for that special date tonight. So sit back, relax, and ENJOY your smelly clothes…..”.
And if my son ignores the command he will be met with periodic follow-ups of reminders. Every two minutes.
The Washer will start out speaking in ultra soft tones, maybe add a personal touch and call him by name, then if he is still oblivious to a directive, the Dryer will then kick in with harsher attributes:
Dryer: ” Son, I don’t think you want to ignore the washer. Remember what happened last time, you forgot about your Ipod in your jeans pocket and left the wet laundry in there for two days to ferment….oohhh..your Mama was mad…”.
This will become cyclic and programmed into all his electronics. There will be no escaping the demands to get the laundry completed in a timely manner. I will instruct General Electric and Whirlpool to use my voice as the prompt.
In fact, I have decided to install wireless Mother Voice commands throughout the house. They will be implanted throughout. I will have the alerts activate upon entrance. They will be individually formatted for each member of the household who have been pooh-poohing the Matriarch of this family…..:
1) “Kindly remove your muddy soccer cleats at the door”
2)”Your wallet and keys are on the counter where you leave them every night”
3) ” NO, I did not take your lip gloss, it is buried under your make-up pile spilling onto your dresser”
4) “Could ONE of you please take the dog out for a walk?” ( I would program that one into the couch facing the TV).
5) ” If you are standing and staring into an open refrigerator with one arm hanging on the door looking for something to eat that isn’t there…….close the damn door!”
Yes, I think this could work. I think I will work on General Electric to do this for me. Then I will approach Apple next to send numerous Texts of Motherly Instructions that get overlooked.
What…..you don’t think they will take me SIRIously?
spread the humor.
“It’s raining…..It’s pouring…..my husband won’t stop snoring……He went to bed…turned his head…and I kicked him out this morning”….
I know snoring is no laughing matter, especially to the other person occupying the the right side of the bed who can’t sleep, due to the massive logs being sawed next to her…more like a buzz saw emanating from those nostrils. How does this rhythmic rhino sleep through his own band of breaths. How does he manage to open the floodgates of an airway to bring in ‘da Funk, bring in ‘da Nose….relentlessly causing him to not Breath Right. This is nothing to sneeze at.
The only semi cure to calm his turbulent turbinates is to roll him on his side so his schnoz is facing East. If he is resistant to that change in venue and chooses to remain on his back pausing to inhale; he will face the pillow of doom hovering over his face as he’s Waiting to Exhale.
I tried that once. It was a mere threat…..in jesture . My recidivist snore hog (snog) awoke to the Scent of a Woman who uses too much fru-fru fabric softener in the laundry, so he hurled a ginormous sneeze onto the pillow case:
“Were you holding a pillow over my face?”…..he asks Eyes Wide Shut incrusted with sleep particles.
“No, darling, you were dreaming.”….she coos, replacing the deformed microfoam to the head of the bed…for Her Eyes Only.
“You were holding a pillow over my head thinking to smother me with down feathers,”…he smirks with laughing Eyes.
“Don’t be Batt(y) sweet heart, that material contains too much airspace, if I truly wanted to off you I’d use the fiber- filled decorative throw pillows; everyone knows Polyester doesn’t breath”.
“So..you were trying to kill me in my sleep.” ….He spills out trying to suppress laughter.
“Not exactly honey -pie, it was more like adding a muffler to your mouth piece. You’re snoring”.
“I don’t snore.”..he deniably stated looking through the eyes behind his head.
(Oh..that’s right, how could you possibly hear yourself snore over the the clamor emitting from your palate as you lie there in your sleep number coma, oblivious to the affect is has on your neighboring bed mate. She beamed through her Betty Davis Eyes….).
That was the last time I tried the Muffle effect.
My next approach was during a visit out west staying with relatives and I tried the Extended- Arm -Prop- to -the -back technique. This enables your snog to remain on his side for the night, quieting the rumbling gasps; however, it will leave you Sleepless in Seattle with an Achy Breaky Arm in the morning. One night I chose to use the retractable-limb method: Once your snore victim (snortims) is on his side, your arm repeatedly jumps out into action with the slightest inkling of him turning onto his back. Sometimes this method calls for two arms to be utilized as you are dealing with unconscious weight. Weight that has been tipping the scales of late night snacking. There are repercussions when using this tactic, especially if you work out at the gym three to four days a week, as my husband once fell victim to the floor:
“You pushed me out of bed?”, he blew out after the THUD landing.
“No darling, you were dreaming”,...she winces, eyes squinting in guilt.
“You could have killed me”, he puffs out.
“No sweetums, the chili peppers you loaded onto your late night burrito will kill you, thus the THUD when you hit the carpet, I was merely administering a minor love tap to your back helping the jalapeno’s adjust”, she quips as her eyes search for a Eurythmic’s lyric….
“Would I Lie to you honey?…..ok..ok….you were snoring.”
“I don’t snore”, he freely denies …again…
This lead me to my third and final modus operandi: Which is a full proof formula so easy a dog could master it. This ritual not only works but will provide your slumbering snog the body of evidence that which he is being accused of: Disturbing the Peace(ful) sleeping wife:
I video taped him.
I filmed him in all his snore glory.
I showed him my presentation after I jiggled him awake. Just try and deny the snoring now my little sweet apnea…
“You filmed me sleeping?”, he says as as his Eyes roll to the Heavens.
“Yes, pumpkin, now there is no confusion as to your snoring or not. Here you are, In Living Color, lying on your back, breathing and expiring the snuffle shuffle through your nose to the tune of She Drives Me Crazy”.
“So what do you have to say now Mr. I Don’t Snore?”.( Her EYES have it!).
“THAT’S NOT ME”,….rolls over….fade to black..
(EYE GIVE UP!)